Slipknot, and six other bands which are now technically dadrock

BACK when nu-metal ruled the world you ruled with it, young and rebellious and your baseball cap backwards. Now you’re a dad and these bands are boring old dadrock: 

Linkin Park

The unbathed look is cool again, like when you were burning CDs from Napster and mixing them at parties. Now you’re finding screamed vocals might suit teens with sweatbands and spiked hair, but today they sound too much like the nine-month-old you’ve only just got to sleep.


Dads boast about Tom rejoining even though it makes them even more shit, or Travis Barker’s hip-hop drumming as if he wasn’t just a minor player in the epic saga of the Kardashians. All the Small Things is played at weddings now because it’s PG, unlike F**k A Dog which you now realise only a puerile child would find funny. You were that child.


Nothing shouts dad rock like a guitar hero, which Muse’s Matt Bellamy was considered because he butchered a classical music scale and made noises on a little wanky touchpad. Still, he’s matured to sixth-form politics level by recording albums of political musings about sheeple and complaining about drones.

The Libertines

Pete Doherty’s adoration for ol’ Albion dressed as a pantomime villain was cool once, but only because you were both on drugs. These days it brings back Brexit and UKIP, Kate Moss has long since moved on and you’re only allowed to play them in the car because your wife finds the whole thing a racket that sets a bad example. And she has a point.


Boilersuits, metal and masks were terrifying at the turn of the century, so dads still think the Iowa band’s signature look calls for cool Halloween fancy dress. Except nobody normal listened to them so your leather mask with a long dildo nose is taken entirely seriously by fellow parents. Referring to yourself as a Maggot doesn’t help.

Arctic Monkeys

We’ve gone through a financial crisis and a pandemic since Alex Turner seemed like a laugh. Since then he’s embraced rockabilly, easy listening and demonstrated that Yorkshire and LA accents do not mix. At parties for seven-year-olds you and the other dads reminisce about when he chatted shit about pub scraps and shagging in bathrooms.

My Chemical Romance

Grandparents had their New Romantic phase, and MCR turned the next generation into marching band goths that stole their mum’s eyeliner and crushed their cods in tight trousers. Even parenthood can’t disabuse them of the delusion that this was cool. Your mates with two kids and a semi-detached call themselves ‘elder emos’, the dicks.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lourdes, and other hot new locations for your stag party

PRAGUE and Amsterdam no fun anymore? Looking for new locations to stagger around hammered before pissing against a historical monument? Try these: 


If Dublin’s any guide Catholics love a drink, so Lourdes is bound to be chock full of pubs and bars catering to the pilgrims. Start with a pub crawl – vicars-and-nuns outfits optional – followed by a dip in the healing waters to clear your hangover. Like a spa weekend with more prayer. And the Pope famously smokes dope, so he’ll sort you out.

Disneyland Paris

All stag weekends lead to vomiting. It’s the best part, and downing Jägerbombs as you ride Space Mountain will get you there faster. Mickey and Minnie recoiling in horror as your group staggers into Sleeping Beauty’s castle demanding to know where Walt’s cryogenically frozen head is kept will also be a highlight.

The International Space Station

How f**king epic? A quick spaceflight, which Noisy Baz says he can arrange, and you’re doing shots in zero gravity and taking selfies where you moon whole continents. And half of it’s staffed by Russians and those bastards party hardcore.


Oy oy oy, lads on tour! Not as confusingly androgynous as its southern neighbour, North Korea has long suffered from the perception that its leader is a totalitarian madman with a cowed population living in abject poverty ordered to sing his praises daily on pain of death. Which is kind of like how Martin’s run this stag do so you should get on fine.

Milton Keynes

One of the few UK locations not plagued by stag parties, it’s about time it suffered like everywhere else. There’s no red-light district but there are concrete cows you can ride, urinate against and pretend to f**k. To get to them just go left at the first roundabout, then straight over the next 27 roundabouts, then right at the last roundabout.

Area 51

What happens on a stag do stays on the stag do, and the same goes for this place. Nobody will be telling tales about grey alien strippers, mind-melds with J-Rod or doing lines off the weather control console before sending a tornado into Newcastle-under-Lyme for a laugh, because you’ll be mindwiped on departure. Consequently it will not be legendary.