Stephen King sued by his inner demons

THE psychological demons that haunted Stephen King are suing the writer for a share of his book profits.

As King’s sequel to The Shining hits bookshops, the writers’ twin demons of alcoholism and drug addiction filed a lawsuit for 80% of his earnings dating back to Carrie.

King’s alcoholism demon said: “He claims I wasn’t really a factor in his creativity, but Stephen did his some of his best work while a chronic sauce hound.

The Shining, Pet Sematary and Cujo versus people trapped in a giant snow globe? Come on.

“It’s not about the money. I just want some acknowledgement.”

King’s drug addiction demon said: “Stephen and I lost touch years ago. My memory’s not great, but I recall he was writing a book about a weird skinny girl who makes objects fly around when she’s got PMT.

“As you can imagine, I never thought it would go anywhere.

“But then Steve ended up hitting the big time and what do I get? Suppressed, that’s what.”

However Stephen King’s liver spoke out in defence of the author. It said: “Those guys did nothing but harm.

“Stephen was trying to work out complicated story outlines and they’d be like ‘Stop typing, let’s get fucked up, it’s party time!’ They were idiots.

“Steve’s demons will tell you they gave him the idea for It but what actually happened was he watched a cable TV show called Clowns That Live In Drains and thought it could make a creepy story.”

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Overreaction now the standard reaction

HUMANS are reacting to everything in wildly exaggerated ways.

Experts at the Institute for Studies found that people are no longer capable of reacting to an event or piece of information without flying into hysterics.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Everyone is constantly freaking out. For example, lunch at a generic chain restaurant will be described as the ‘best/worst meal I’ve ever had in my entire life’.

“Someone who goes out to buy coffee is a ‘hero’. Whereas misplacing one’s hat is ‘literally the biggest nightmare’.

“It’s more annoying than anything that happened before time existed, when reality was just an unfathomable void.”

31-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I think it’s social media turning everyone’s lives into a soap opera. So there have to be relentless thrills and spills or the audience loses interest.

“Even going to the pub is an exhausting emotional rollercoaster with joy and tears.

“But then crazy stuff keeps happening, like this biscuit I’m eating, it’s a goddamn flavour sensation. Oh my God it is the stuff of legend.

“A hero biscuit legend. All hail the biscuit!”