Boat wins America's Cup

A MASSIVE boat with an enormous sail has beaten a bunch of other boats to win the America’s Cup, the world’s top boaty prize.

The boat apparently won by spending most of its time barely touching the water, leading observers to wonder if it may actually be a plane.

Oracle, as the boat is called, said: “I’m very proud to have won and am glad no credit is being given to the idiots on my back.

“I now plan to relax, stop being a boat and spend my winnings on opening a whiskey bar in Tokyo.”

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Bear jailed for smuggling marmalade to Peru

THE spectacled bear arrested at Paddington Station with a suitcase full of preserves has pleaded guilty to smuggling a prohibited substance.

The bear, who was on his way to Heathrow, was carrying more than 36 jars of thick-cut orange shred marmalade concealed in a secret compartment of his suitcase.

Police officer Stephen Malley said: “My suspicions were aroused because the bear was wearing a heavy duffle coat and hat while sweating profusely.”

Investigations led to a property in Windsor Gardens, recently abandoned, previously occupied by the Brown family and regularly visited by a sinister Hungarian who called himself Mr Gruber.

Officer Malley continued: “According to neighbours the family claim to have taken the bear in after he was abandoned at a lost property office, but we’re pretty sure this is just a cover for a people-smuggling operation.

“He refuses to give us his name so we’ve nicknamed him after the station he was arrested at, though how his cellmates will take the instruction to PLEASE LOOK AFTER THIS BEAR is entirely up to them.”

According to Peruvian police, once in the country the raw marmalade would have been cut with jam to make more than 5,400 marmalade sandwiches with a street value of over £100,000.

Naturalist Joanna Kramer said: “There’s no more pathetic sight than a spectacled bear selling itself for sex at a roadside, reduced to a whore for its next orangey hit.

“We operate a rehab facility here in Darkest Peru where we wean them off the addiction, back onto their natural diet of unrefined cocaine.”