Steve Davis to make prog rock sexy again

LITHE snooker legend Steve Davis’s new BBC radio show is going to put the sexy back into progressive rock music, it was claimed last night.

Executives at BBC Radio 6 believe Davis’s new weekly show The Steven Davis Progressive Rock and Concept-Driven Melodic Rock Hour will bring a much-needed female audience to a genre often perceived as ‘uncool’.

A spokesman for the station said: “We’re taking a style of music commonly identified with unmarried male IT professionals of a certain age and flipping the script with an injection of raw flame-haired sexuality.

“Anyone with a womb will know that snake-hipped Steve is so hot he could make their radio pregnant. Such is his smoulder factor that he even looks like a lit cigarette.”

Steve Davis, whose impressive sexual track record permits him to refer to himself in the third person, said: “Steve Davis has two loves in life – ladies and progressive rock.

“Snooker is just a lucrative hobby that allows him to sup more deeply from those two metaphorical goblets of pleasure, without having to worry about his mortgage.

“While not wishing to stray into the terrain of vulgarity, Steve knows from experience that rock music with interesting time signatures, flutes and Michael Moorcock references stimulates certain zones of the female body in interesting and beautiful ways.

“This is especially true of the very obscure German mono pressing of Magma’s self-titled debut album. Which Steve just happens to have in his extensive collection.”

BBC Radio 6’s newly-unveiled summer schedule also features Ray Reardon’s Minimal Techno Dimension and Folk Forest with Ronnie O’Sullivan.



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Idiots face SAS book shortage

SAS recruitment problems may leave Britain’s idiots with nothing to read on holiday, experts have warned.

As the number of successful applicants to the elite fighting force decreases, the amount of paperbacks with titles like Blood Before Honour or Operation: Ironhawk written by ex-servicemen will inevitably also decline.

Fears are growing that this could force men to read books that deal with emotions and character development, rather than lengthy descriptions of strangling Arabs.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of The Institute For Studies, said “While footballers will continue to churn out potboilers about their battles against alcoholism or really liking hookers, we could see the whole confused-sexuality-military genre disappear altogether.”

“It’s a literary tradition stretching back to the Crimean War, when Lieutenant Denys Finch Hatton’s memoir Musings On Bayonetting Some Russians became a massive hit in Victorian London amongst gentlemen who liked the idea of being really hard but hated the idea of actually being punched.”

“If these books stop being written, there’s the very real risk that these men will have to actually talk to their families while on holiday, probably some stilted observations about the airport’s luggage collection system and the relative expensiveness of paella compared to last year. God help us all.”

The army is hoping to entice recruits into the SAS with the promise of a literary agent after five years’ service and a one-book deal with Bantam Press for completing ten years.

But Drill Sergeant Roy Hobbs feels the selection process is still too demanding, as it requires candidates to produce half a dozen sample chapters whilst being shot at in a ditch.

Hobbs said “We can only hope there are enough psychopathic aspiring killing machines out there that can also sketch out a half-decent narrative arc.”