Britain's workers grant themselves three days of semi-holiday

THE UK’s employees aren’t going to be doing a lot this week, they have announced.

With four bank holidays in close succession, many workers have booked off the last week of April.

However the millions who were less forward-thinking have issued an official decree to themselves, declaring that they will be in an intermediate state between being on holiday and not being on holiday.

Sales administrator Tom Logan said: “A semi-holiday means that although the body is present the mind is not. Basically I will be seated on the correct chair in front of the correct monitor and that’s about it.

“It’s all about doing slightly below what would be considered the absolute bare minimum for a standard working day.

“There are a number of reasons why I’ve decided I’m giving myself this exciting sort-of time off. First, it is the royal wedding week and I want to devote all my mental energy to patriotic thoughts.

“Second, there’s no point in starting anything new before the bank holiday. Which you have to admit is a powerful argument regardless of whether or not it’s true.

“Third, something about suppliers being on holiday.”

Customer service advisor Nikki Hollis said: “I was really pleased when I announced to myself that I wasn’t going to be really doing any meaningful work this week.

“Especially as so many of my colleagues are on actual holiday, which I am fairly certain is unfair although I have not quite worked out why this is the case.

“So for me the next few days are going to be like one of those television adverts where all the girls in an office are basically just into chocolate and handsome manual workers.”



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Jesus loved eggs, say experts

THE mystic role of eggs in Easter is based on Christ’s love of eating them, experts have claimed.

Theologians say new archeological discoveries and a reinterpretation of key biblical passages mean it is almost certain that boiled eggs were the Son of God’s favourite food.

Professor Julian Cook, from Jesus University in Rome, said: “He was born in a manger where hens roamed freely, so he would have experienced them at a very early age. We know for a fact he kept a rooster as this is referenced in Matthew 26:34.

“And a rooster means hens and hens equal eggs. Though I’m sure Jesus could have got eggs from a rooster, if necessary. He could probably make an egg come out of anything he felt like.”

He added: “Logically, boiling was Christ’s preferred mode of preparation. He was constantly persecuted so would have preferred a small, easily-portable ‘egg pot’ as opposed to a cumbersome frying pan.

“In terms of cooking style, Jesus would have preferred a hard-boiled egg. The idea of him dipping something would turn Christianity on its head.”

Professor Cook said there is now a strong case for replacing communion wafers with thin slices of boiled egg and has called on both the Church of England and the Vatican to commission more egg-based hymns.

The theories have also thrown a spotlight on the last supper, which Cook believes must have had an egg course.

He said: “It’s recognised that there was bread and wine at the last supper, but if Christ was overseeing the menu I feel there would certainly have been a boiled or poached egg, perhaps in a nice sauce, for each of the disciples.

“Except Judas who was plagued by a fear a cholesterol.”