Straight men wishing they were as ‘flamboyant’ as Prince

STRAIGHT men were in awe of both Prince’s music and his epic success with women, it has been confirmed.

As Eamonn Holmes, a television presenter, described the late musician as ‘flamboyant’ as a code word for ‘effeminate’, millions of heterosexual men said Prince possessed the sort of ‘flamboyancy’ they could only dream of.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “When a man writes a song about meeting a woman ‘in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine’, it suggests to me that he is a good deal more confident and successful with the opposite sex than the likes of me.

“While it is certainly a vivid and powerful lyric, it is not ‘flamboyant’.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: “I’m old enough to have had a ‘fondness’ for Sheena Easton. I suspect Prince knew Sheen Easton far, far better than I did, even at the apex of my ’fondness’.

“Perhaps if, like Prince, I had written an incredibly sexy song for Ms Easton things might have been different. I suppose I’m just too ‘masculine’. And untalented.”

Julian Cook, from Hatfield, said: “Is the guitar solo in When Doves Cry ’flamboyant’? I always thought it sounded like Jimi Hendrix on Viagra. Perhaps Eamonn Holmes thinks Jimi Hendrix was also ‘flamboyant’. But then again, Eamonn Holmes is very ‘masculine’.”

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Game of Thrones fans to spend weekend studying maps and family trees

GAME of Thrones viewers have been ordered to spend the weekend with maps and genealogies to prepare for Monday’s new series. 

The fantasy drama, which many viewers began under the impression it would be enjoyable escapism, now requires a minimum eight hours of revising the Great Houses of Westeros before each series.

Fan Tom Logan said: “I caught some idiot casual yesterday confusing the sigil of the House of Bolton and the sigil of the House of Greyjoy.

“I mean hello, I’m sure it’s not important, they’re only practically at bloody war. And if you don’t know how vulnerable the Vale’s territory is to the White Walkers you’re missing half the show.

“The battle for the Iron Throne isn’t The Walking Dead. You can’t get by with a vague recollection of them fighting some zombies.

“If you think this is fun, you’re doing it wrong.”

Helen Archer of Wrexham said: “We’ve been doing quizzes for weeks, I’ve written a dissertation on the fall of the Targaryens, and I can draw the whole map freehand in less than 90 seconds.

“I don’t want to be overconfident, but I think I’m ready.

“Oh no. Rickon Stark. I forgot about Rickon fucking Stark.”