THE final season of Stranger Things is here, and long-time viewers may need some help catching up. Who better to help than Nathan Muir, who hasn’t seen it?
Okay, so it’s about this town in small-town America called Hawkings where kids are playing Dungeons and Dragons. So as you’d expect they’re sad twats.
Anyway, because it’s the 1980s and D&D was like magic spells back then, one of them goes missing like in Poltergeist. It’s because they’ve summoned a Hexagorgon, called that because D&D figures have this hexagonal base.
It’s come from the Upside Down, which they nicked from Hellraiser. Good movies those. Anyway there’s some more Spielberg bits, flashlights and kids on bikes, but with the synthesiser soundtrack from John Carpenter.
Then Eleven turns up, who’s that girl Millie Bobby Brown who’s married and adopted kids now, that’s how long this shit’s taken. She’s a psychic girl who’s escaped from a government facility, so basically Stephen King’s Carrie and Firestarter combined.
The kids save the day, as you’d expect. with help from a cop who’s basically Indiana Jones played by that sleazy f**ker Lily Allen’s album was about. He adopts Eleven after a bit, presumably without a CRB check.
Turns out there’s a slasher-type character, essentially Freddy Krueger, appearing in everyone’s dreams and shit. This is when episodes start being ridiculously long, again like Stephen King books.
There’s the bit where the girl’s floating in the air fighting in another dimension or whatever, and her mates get her back by putting a Walkman on her with Running Up That Hill on. See? Anything 80s.
So yeah, this is the last season. What’ll happen? My guess is some kind of cursed Rubik’s Cube, maybe magical protective deely-boppers, Duran Duran on the soundtrack, Harbour sacrifices himself like the noble dude he isn’t and Hawkings blows up.
That’s what would happen in an 80s Stephen King anyway. The good ones, when he was still on coke.
