Super-injunction to ban promotion of films

A LEGAL move is being made to keep 95% of new films a secret.

The so-called ‘super injunction’ will stop actors giving newspaper and television interviews in a bid to generate free advertising for the insulting piece of shit they have been paid £10m to appear in.

The injunction is so strict it would prevent any mention of the name of the film or any information that could help someone guess.

Lawyer, Martin Bishop QC, said: “For instance, you would not be able to say it’s about a hot tub that turns into a time machine or it’s about some dreary woman who does a bit of eating, a bit of praying and a bit of loving.”

The injunction also places a blanket ban on talking about who is in the film, which director was a joy to work with and the extent to which spectacular computer generated images have been used as a replacement for story or talent.

Bishop added: “The public has a right to protect itself from having to listen to some puffed-up ponce talk about how emotionally traumatic it was playing a character from a video game.

“They have a right not to have to watch a 30-second trailer which is little more than a convoluted lie designed to make you believe that this time you won’t waste £15 and two hours of your short, precious life making these fucking scumbags even richer.”

Experts said that if the injunction is granted the vast majority of new films will be named Yet Another Fucking Remake directed by Money-Grabbing Hack Who Thinks He’s an Artist and starring Pathologically Self-Absorbed Twat Who Gets Paid 400 Times More Than a Nurse.



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Kissing lesbians offered free bottle of wine

TWO lesbians who kissed in a pub were offered a free bottle of white wine in a bid to crank things up a notch.

The women, on a first date, became intimate in a pub in central London, forcing the landlord to rearrange the lounge bar into a makeshift mini theatre.

As the kissing progressed, angry customers demanded the women be given free alcohol and plenty of room.

Tom Logan, who saw the whole thing, said: “I immediately complained that their glasses were almost empty and if we weren’t careful they would go somewhere else.

“I just came in for a quiet pint. I didn’t expect to see bar staff just standing there letting some impromptu girl-on-girl action slip through their fingers like a bunch of morons.

“I grabbed the landlord and said ‘how are they supposed to take their tops off if they’ve only had a half a pint of cider?’.

“‘You get some Chardonnay over there pronto or I’m calling the police’.”

Regular, Wayne Hayes, added: “Personally, I was disgusted. People wouldn’t get out of my way.

“I kept saying ‘you’re crowding them – let them lie down’ but everyone was shouting and I got stuck behind this really tall bloke.”

Dr Helen Archer, a sociologist at Reading University, said: “I suspect Britain is not as tolerant of lesbian privacy as we like to think it is. We could still be a decade away from attractive girls being able to explore each other’s soft, wet mouths without it causing a fuss.”

Meanwhile, landlord Bill McKay insisted that while some people would be shocked at his decision to intervene, it was his pub and he was brought up to believe there was something just right about two young women going at it hammer and tongs in a public place.