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Humanity to stick with oil

HUMANS are to continue to base their civilisation on a highly toxic substance destroying the climate that is largely controlled by lunatics.

As the price of oil spiked due to one Middle Eastern nation firing missiles at another, the world vowed to stick with it even though it has clearly made their lives immeasurably worse in almost every conceivable way.

Bill McKay, a senior oil industry analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Volatility Iran demand equals two China spikes and a triple Opec.

“Unstable India-Brazil spiked by Kuwaiti-Brent refined as crude Russian instability Venezuelas an erratic Saudi.”

McKay’s analysis was backed by Professor Martin Bishop, the Nobel prize-winning economist who developed the theory that large companies could make a lot of money by charging whatever they felt like.

He said: “Oil is the basis of our society for three reasons: One, it is controlled largely by corrupt psychopaths in places like Saudi Arabia, Russia and Texas.

“Two, as it starts to run out it will become even more expensive leading to a series of exciting wars while we battle over the remaining supplies.

“And three, it pumps lots of wonderful carbon into the atmosphere and had killed more than 248 billion fish.”

Bishop’s analysis was backed by everyone afraid that without oil they would die of immobility and lack of plastic. Tom Logan of Peterborough said: “If there was even such a thing as solar power I would be against it.

“Those advocating it are wrong and controlled by the gay lobby who want us all to wear rainbow England shirts. I’ll die before I drive a car that likes bottoms.”