'Brilliant, it's a two-hour 31-song double break-up album,' say men with heads in hands

MEN around the world have been plunged into despair after discovering the length and contents of Taylor Swift’s latest album.

The revelation that the new album about a bitter breakup is twice as long as expected has caused men to react in a manner usually reserved for people who have just been made redundant or opened their latest energy bill.

A gently-sobbing Tom Logan said: “I was naive to think that Taylor would go easy on us. Two full-length albums though? Haven’t we, as a society, been through enough?

“I wouldn’t mind if there were some bangers in there like Bad Blood or Blank Space. But she’s traded in catchy hooks to focus on lyrics that are so bad even creative writing students would laugh them out of the room.”

Long-suffering boyfriend Josh Gardner said: “My missus has taken the day off to crank up songs with titles like I Can Do It With A Broken Heart and The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived. It’s not the f**king poets being tortured here.

“I don’t even get why she’s so bothered by relationships. If I was Taylor I wouldn’t care if I got dumped because I could get a replacement in about one second.

“Would it have killed her to pen an upbeat hit about being a widely adored billionaire? Or, just for the sake of balance, one called My Boyfriend’s Quite Cool in His Own Way. Is that too much to ask?”

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Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards

THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards.

The panel will include the 1980s PE teacher who made Gary finish the cross-country run with a broken leg, the boss of a Sports Direct warehouse, your ex-girlfriend who dismissed any illness as ‘man flu’ and 10,000 GPs’ receptionists.

Health secretary Victoria Atkins said: “We can’t trust GPs to assess whether you’re sick. They’re too easily swayed by medical concerns.

“Instead we’ll be appointing a special assessment panel made up of people who bark ‘Pull yourself together!’ and ‘Have you tried just getting on with it?’ when confronted with any ailment, because we can trust them to be impartial.

“We’re hiring taciturn dads to whom illness is shameful, drill sergeants, thin-lipped HR managers with fixed budgets, your mate Steve who tells you stop being mard and another pint will see you right, and that Brazilian woman who took a corpse for a bank loan.

“With them in place, we’re confident up to 99.8 per cent of malingerers will be certified fit to work and ineligible for any form of benefits. If you want to swing the lead all day, inherit.”

GP Dr Helen Archer said: “I’ll admit the sick note crowd do tend toward the whingey.”