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Thanks for f**king up our only good show, BBC tells Richard E Grant

THE BBC has sarcastically laid into Richard E Grant for ruining their only show that people actually watch.

Having trashed the premise of The Celebrity Traitors within minutes by blowing his cover, Richard E Grant has been torn a new one by the BBC for spoiling their one and only programme the public genuinely enjoys.

The BBC said: “There goes months of hype and speculation down the toilet, and we were barely an episode in. Cheers for that.

“We needed this. With Doctor Who off the air and Josh Widdicombe repelling audiences on Strictly, a bunch of celebs and King Kenny dicking about in a castle was all we had. Until you came along with your four-dimensional chess bullshit.

“You could’ve laughed off your revelation as a dumb joke, but no, you tripled down on it with your posho laugh. Pity the poor editors who somehow have to make the next round table look suspenseful as everyone goes ‘it’s obviously Richard’.

“Any bright ideas on how we can salvage this? Actually, forget it. You’ll probably suggest we put on a repeat of The Good Life or blow up Broadcasting House.”

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Bestiality: Could it become the latest Gen Z dating trend?

A TEENAGER has been charged with attempting to shag a Shetland pony near Huddersfield. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a Gen Z dating trend, because the following will happen:

A deluge of slang

Expect baffling new Gen Z terms for bestiality, such as ‘fazzing’, meaning ‘dating a sheep’. There will also be confusion as familiar words get new meanings, especially for older people with younger colleagues. How were you to know ‘camping’ now means fellating an ape?

You’ll feel ancient for never having had sex with a cow

Middle-aged people understandably feel past it and envious if Gen Z appear to be having more sex than they did, and with an estimated 20 quintillion animals on Earth, that’s a lot of potential shags. You could always try bestiality yourself, but you’re worried you might look like a creepy old pervert hitting on much younger heifers.

Animal situationships 

Gen Z are supposedly into semi-casual ‘situationships’ so they might do the same with their animal shag buddies. In a sense this is a good thing, as a golden retriever will never demand you go exclusive. Although they will insist you throw that stick again.

Endless articles about it

The media loves obsessing over Gen Z trends, no matter how tragic. You won’t be able to escape articles in the Mail about sheep ticks being the new chlamydia among feckless young people. The Guardian will be cringingly liberal, advising readers that it’s okay for their teenage son’s Shetland pony girlfriend to stay the night, and they should remove anything potentially offensive to an equine, such as bottles of glue.

Pop stars will get in on the trend

Any artist who can really speak to young people about shagging fauna is looking at chart success. Drake is a Gen Z favourite who’s all about showing your feelings and admitting to vulnerability, so he could easily have a mega-hit with, say, Topsy’s Hutch, a moving track about his painful break-up with an Angora rabbit.

TikTok will be even more unwatchable

Gen Z bestialists will flood TikTok with inane animal relationship content, such as ‘Top 5 anime costumes my otter boyfriend loves’. You will both feel that humanity has reached a dead end and watch two hours of it.

New animal-based dating problems

Gen Z are at the forefront of tedious dating problems like ghosting and breadcrumbing, so there’ll be a host of new ones such as your partner leaving her manky chew toys in the bed or him not texting when he’s out all night catching mice. Older people will despair, and wonder why they can’t just meet someone the normal way, ie get pissed together and see if she invites you back to her kennel.

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