The Aniston-Schwimmer love affair, and other bullshit things to believe to make yourself feel better

IS your psyche so fragile you need to believe that Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer are in love to get through the day? These things could also work: 

Scientists have got a cure for climate change

Just as climate change looked like you might have to shell out a grand for a new boiler, clever boffins have come up with special robots that scoop carbon right out of the atmosphere. Sit back, relax, open a bottle of wine.

Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer are in love

Secretly you’ve always believed actors are actually their characters. How else could they play them so well? So this rumour just confirms you were right, that telly is real, and you can sit and watch it all day for 40 years without missing out on anything.

The young people are wrong

Young people are always claiming that their political beliefs, music or economic plights are worthy of attention. But they’re not, because your generation came up with all the right ideas and the best stuff and nothing has changed.

Kate Moss would enjoy meeting you

She might have been a supermodel for 30 years, but Kate Moss would genuinely enjoy bumping into you at an airport and would stay and chat for 10 minutes, laughing at your jokes, enjoying your company and touching you on the arm. Definitely.

People with your lifestyle live until their 90s

You don’t smoke much, your drinking’s moderate compared to what it used to be, your diet definitely could be worse and you exercise regularly by walking to anywhere you can’t drive to. So you’ll be fit and compos mentis right into your 10th decade for sure.

Tom Hanks would give your car a push

It’s a bit embarrassing that your 22-year-old Vauxhall Vectra won’t start these days, but Tom Hanks wouldn’t mind. The nicest man in Hollywood, passing through Stevenage for work, would put you behind the wheel while he gave it a push to get it going, then pose for a quick selfie.

Boris Johnson is doing his best

The prime minister is working flat-out for the country, apart from brief breaks to sire children and write a Shakespeare book. He’s got an incredible plan for the pandemic and another incredible plan, which meshes with the first one perfectly, for Brexit. It’s all fine.

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Six arsehole types still worth putting up with as friends

BORING, smug twats might not be your ideal choice as friends, but here are six it’s worth chumming up to purely for what you can get out of them.

The IT expert

They will rabbit on pompously about computer bollocks you don’t understand, but it’s worth looking impressed and pandering to their ego to get their technical skills for free. Remember to laugh uproariously at their rapier-sharp wit when they ask if you’ve turned your computer off and back on again.

The wanker 

You may not have the world’s most scintillating personality yourself, but hanging out with a knobhead has benefits. You’ll look pretty cool in comparison to this idiot who tells dodgy sexist/racist jokes, bores everyone senseless with uninteresting work anecdotes, or thinks he’s the world’s leading expert on cars.

The car mechanic

Usually the sort of pseudo-alpha male you’d avoid, but garages charge a shitting fortune – so let all the waffle about gaskets, alternators and suchlike wash over you while you make your oil-splattered bestie a mug of tea as thanks.

The really hard bastard

Far too scary to make it into your inner circle of friends, but there’s a lot to be said for having someone resembling a heavily tattooed, strategically shaved gorilla by your side when someone decides they want to give you a kicking. Just remember to agree with them about everything for fear of getting a battering yourself.

The handyman

Take a deep breath and listen to their vast knowledge of plumbing, electrics, and other tedious household repairs. They might fix things for free, or at least you won’t get ripped off by getting an equally tedious workman in.

The rich one

Wealthy people will bore you shitless by tirelessly telling you how they’re spending their cash on a classic sports car, holiday cottage, share portfolio, or whatever. However they may also lend you a trifling 100 quid until payday which they’ll forget about, or constantly show off by loudly proclaiming ‘I’ll get these’ at the bar. You’ll lose all of your self-esteem, but it’ll be worth the sacrifice. Probably.