The five dickheads you only meet in nightclubs

TEMPTED to go clubbing now they’ve reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again:

Creepy guys

What are those mysterious shadowy figures, lurking by the walls? Ah, it’s men with receding hairlines and poorly-fitting jeans prowling for their next catch. Look out for the classic moves: slithering past with clammy hands on your hips, a devastating attempt at dancing, and not understanding the word ‘no’.

Students from societies

University sports societies. Rugby initiations. Packs of lads who think it’s absolute top bants to dress up in costumes and chant things. Do not go near them unless you want an armpit in the face and beer spilt on your head.

Girls that are far too pissed

These girls got unbelievably wrecked on Echo Falls before coming out and are having the best night of their lives. Shame they’re going to ruin yours. They will knock your drink out of your hand, impale your feet with their heels, then stumble off for an epic vomiting and crying session in the loo.

The interrupting DJ

For many DJs, it is a contractual obligation to not let a song go by without screaming at everyone to put their f**king hands up. To be fair, they’re just pressing play on Spotify, so they need something to occupy them aside from ignoring the endless requests to play Mr. Brightside again.

The just-turned-18

Children. Children in clubs. Looking trendy and full of youthful vitality. Are they laughing at you? They’re definitely laughing at you. They’ve sent a Snapchat or something of you to all of their friends. Time to go home.

Shouting at them not to shout: five terrible examples to set your kids

EVERY parent is keen to set an example, so make sure to provide a really awful one by incorporating these into the average day:

Shouting at them not to shout

Screaming blue murder at your children will definitely teach them not to shout at each other. But only for about five seconds until you retreat, the shock wears off and they resume battle having learned lots of interesting new phrases.

Having phones at the table

Is reading the news headlines for the 37th time that day more important than playing a zombie-killing platform game? As a parent you might think so, but your brain will probably atrophy faster reading about the madness of British politics than your kids’ will shooting up the undead.

Long-standing feuds with your siblings

When your children fight, explain that one day they will be happy to have a sibling who will be a lifelong friend and support them through thick and thin. When they ask why has mummy not spoken to Uncle Nathan for two years since she lent him that money, switch the telly on and pretend you didn’t hear.

Swearing in the car

Did that f**ker in the Audi not thank you for letting them pass? Is that wanker in the white SUV driving like they own the road? Probably, but the worst thing is that you now have a toddler in the back who will gleefully yell those funny new words at the elderly neighbour walking her dog.

Snacking whenever you like

You are forever sneaking a biscuit here and a Ferrero Rocher there throughout the day, so it’s understandable that your kids are surprised when you throw a shit fit if they do the same. The real lesson in all of this is how to develop hugely hypocritical double standards: something that will stand them in good stead for when they have a family of their own.