TEMPTED to go clubbing now they’ve reopened? Remind yourself of their horrific denizens and think again:
What are those mysterious shadowy figures, lurking by the walls? Ah, it’s men with receding hairlines and poorly-fitting jeans prowling for their next catch. Look out for the classic moves: slithering past with clammy hands on your hips, a devastating attempt at dancing, and not understanding the word ‘no’.
Students from societies
University sports societies. Rugby initiations. Packs of lads who think it’s absolute top bants to dress up in costumes and chant things. Do not go near them unless you want an armpit in the face and beer spilt on your head.
Girls that are far too pissed
These girls got unbelievably wrecked on Echo Falls before coming out and are having the best night of their lives. Shame they’re going to ruin yours. They will knock your drink out of your hand, impale your feet with their heels, then stumble off for an epic vomiting and crying session in the loo.
The interrupting DJ
For many DJs, it is a contractual obligation to not let a song go by without screaming at everyone to put their f**king hands up. To be fair, they’re just pressing play on Spotify, so they need something to occupy them aside from ignoring the endless requests to play Mr. Brightside again.
Children. Children in clubs. Looking trendy and full of youthful vitality. Are they laughing at you? They’re definitely laughing at you. They’ve sent a Snapchat or something of you to all of their friends. Time to go home.