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This Man City verdict offers us our best chance yet of splitting Oasis

NOEL is resigned to the ruling. Liam is fully in denial that anything bad can happen. If we leverage this Manchester City decision right, we can break up Oasis. 

Close observation of City fans reveals they fall into two camps. There are those rational, thinking beings who accept the verdict, who have entered a period of difficult reflection about how the club they love went so awry.

And there are those who reject the entire thing, who refuse to consider it even slightly, who bombastically shout down rival fans and continue to support the best club in England.

It takes not a moment’s thought to know which Noel is and which Liam is. And this is a matter on which they will be unable to find common ground.

All will take is constant probing. Questions to Noel about how City’s reputation can recover. Goads to Liam about handing their Premier League wins over to United. It’s already an open wound, but with work we can make it fester.

Then, when they’re playing at the Etihad next summer, the rift can be made unignorable. A few planted signs reading ‘City are innocent’ and ‘RKid thinks they’re guilty, Liam’ and the brothers will confront each other on stage.

They’ll fight. They’ll smash instruments. Liam will once again call his older brother a ‘potato’. It’s the performance we’ve always wanted live in front of tens of thousands, not those shit-boring songs we’ve heard a million f**king times.

Finally they will split, cancel the gigs hurting City’s revenues even further, and millions of overweight middle-aged men in bucket hats will be heartbroken. What an incredible result.

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Why anything nationalised is intrinsically evil, by the British press

ANDY Burnham’s plans to nationalise public services are an evil plot by a depraved monster, which many Britons have failed to understand. Our impartial media will help:  

Water

Burnham wants to take away your right to pay a private monopoly to demand bailouts to do its job and pass any fines directly to you. Luckily, newspapers know the real disaster would be going back to the dark days of nationalised water, when taps only worked one day in ten and drinking it gave you the shits. Don’t Google that.

Social care

A National Care Service is the sort of crackpot Marxist idea that could never work in real life, except Scotland. The only way to provide old age care is a morbid lottery in which you win a house if your parents die promptly and the worst people in the world set up care homes.

Buses

Red Andy is already allowing the state to ruthlessly control private bus operators, so expect a National Bus Service soon. Stalin’s Russia had nationalised buses, so it’s easy to imagine a world in which Burnham’s NKVD put a pistol to your neck and summarily execute you for saying that the 86 to Thetford is late.

Electricity

Municipal electricity will be of poor quality and unfashionable, not like cool private sector electricity with all the latest features like amperes. If you use state electricity, your lights will flicker, your television will only have three channels and your children will be bullied at school.

Housing

Burnham wants to build massive council estates directly outside your lovely detached home. All you’ll see from your floor-to-ceiling windows are abandoned fridges, burning cars and feral rat children defecating on your begonias.

Railways

Burnham wants to rob us of the cancellations and broken toilets that are as much a part of the British way of life as Sunday roasts with Rudyard Kipling. And what happens when there are delays regardless? Burnham’s evil socialist spell will be broken and he’ll be voted out, Reform will abolish democracy and we’ll all be so much happier.

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