BRITPOP’S Damon Albarn has had a pop at total world dominance’s Taylor Swift about songwriting. As ever, it is the duty of Twitter users to provide deranged overreaction:
Leap to wildly false assumptions
The minor argument was about artists writing their own material, not really gender. Ignore that. ‘@damonalbarn got a problem with successful women? Suppose you think we’re just for blowjobs and housework. I feel sorry for your girlfriend. Die in hell monster’
Get straight into the misogyny
Similarly, indulge that other popular Twitter pastime: misogyny. When addressing Taylor Swift, try ‘Boo hoo, can’t take criticism, like all the bitches’. You may wish to broaden the scope of your hypothesis into why all female artists are shit, apart from cool ones like PJ Harvey.
Don’t trouble yourself with coherence
Hate doesn’t need to stand on ceremony with proper grammar and shit. ‘@damonalbarn posh boy poseur from nonce band Blur. Rather drink cold piss than listen to Phil Daniels again Noel Gallagher was right you should get AIDS. You don’t even draw the Gorillaz monkeys WANKER.’
Death threats: extreme or plausible?
The tweeter’s dilemma: should your death threats be a real possibility or an exercise in warped imagination? The former could get you a police visit, so go with ‘I hope you fall in a cess pit and slowly drown in stinking turds. And Graham Coxon. And Alex James obvs’
Chuck in an invented allegation
Seen another knobhead share a screenshot of a tiny-but-damning portion of a interview from 2012? Steal and tweet it without even a cursory check: ‘sickening that @taylorswift13 had her cat’s legs amputated because it kept jumping on her piano #albarnwasright’.
Don’t actually care that much
Despite your raging, impotent fury, you shouldn’t actually care that much. It’s just the internet. Vehemently urge both parties to give up music forever one minute, then focus all your attention on whether to have Branston or Hellman’s on your cheese sandwich.