Threats to kill or misogynist abuse: How should you react to the Swift/Albarn Twitter spat?

BRITPOP’S Damon Albarn has had a pop at total world dominance’s Taylor Swift about songwriting. As ever, it is the duty of Twitter users to provide deranged overreaction: 

Leap to wildly false assumptions

The minor argument was about artists writing their own material, not really gender. Ignore that. ‘@damonalbarn got a problem with successful women? Suppose you think we’re just for blowjobs and housework. I feel sorry for your girlfriend. Die in hell monster’

Get straight into the misogyny

Similarly, indulge that other popular Twitter pastime: misogyny. When addressing Taylor Swift, try ‘Boo hoo, can’t take criticism, like all the bitches’. You may wish to broaden the scope of your hypothesis into why all female artists are shit, apart from cool ones like PJ Harvey.

Don’t trouble yourself with coherence

Hate doesn’t need to stand on ceremony with proper grammar and shit. ‘@damonalbarn posh boy poseur from nonce band Blur. Rather drink cold piss than listen to Phil Daniels again Noel Gallagher was right you should get AIDS. You don’t even draw the Gorillaz monkeys WANKER.’

Death threats: extreme or plausible? 

The tweeter’s dilemma: should your death threats be a real possibility or an exercise in warped imagination? The former could get you a police visit, so go with ‘I hope you fall in a cess pit and slowly drown in stinking turds. And Graham Coxon. And Alex James obvs’

Chuck in an invented allegation

Seen another knobhead share a screenshot of a tiny-but-damning portion of a interview from 2012? Steal and tweet it without even a cursory check: ‘sickening that @taylorswift13 had her cat’s legs amputated because it kept jumping on her piano #albarnwasright’.

Don’t actually care that much

Despite your raging, impotent fury, you shouldn’t actually care that much. It’s just the internet. Vehemently urge both parties to give up music forever one minute, then focus all your attention on whether to have Branston or Hellman’s on your cheese sandwich.

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Funko Pops, and other stuff that will be worth f**k all in 20 years

COLLECTING useless tat in the delusion that it will be worth a fortune one day? You’d have been better investing in a nightly takeaway than this crap: 

Funko Pops

They’re ugly and they watch you from their shelf, but you’ve convinced yourself that a big-headed black costume Spider-Man should be preserved for posterity. They may represent every franchise on Earth in dizzyingly weird variants but that doesn’t mean they’re worth shit. Future archaeologists will think they were our gods and, to be honest, we deserve that.

Adele on vinyl

Vinyl thinks it’s cool again but can’t escape that it’s a shitty way to store music. In two decades hipsters will be bored of self-indulgently twirling their moustaches over their record players and remember that newer, better technology was invented. The charity shops will be choked with copies of 30. 


If you’re buying one of these you don’t know what it is but missed out on Bitcoin and some tech influencer convinced you this will hack the future instead. Don’t bother learning what they are, it doesn’t matter. The only non-fungible item in high demand in 2042 will be Canesten.


Your garage is lined with boxed original limited edition Air Jordans in one-of-a-kind colourways. You’ve never worn them. Neither will anyone, because after your death your kids will try to cash in, discover all the other sneakerheads’ families have done the same, and your worthless shoes will go straight to landfill.

Warhammer figurines

The painstaking effort that goes into painting these delicate tiny figures, and their sheer cost, should really give them some value. No, though. Anyone conned into squinting lovingly at their Adeptus Arbites has been sorely misled and will have to be gently reintroduced to the outside world once again.

Anything Disney

A one-of-a-kind Mickey Mouse animation cel from the 2015 animation Goofy’s Grandma? Wow, You know he’s out of copyright next year? Anyone can use him. He’ll be appearing as Hey Duggee’s sidekick.