Your parents' six utterly trivial obsessions that make you want to shit

DO your parents’ long-running obsessions make you so frustrated you go down the end of their garden for an angry fag? They never shut up about this bullshit: 

The building of the neighbours’ extension

Next door’s extension isn’t a problem or anything. Your parents just monitor it intently because they’ve got f**k all else to do. You’ll be regaled with every suspicious detail, like ‘They had two vans round yesterday’ or your dad opining ‘Bet they’ve had to break into their savings.’

Something they heard on the radio

On Radio 5 Live it said some mackerel in the North Sea had unusually high levels of polonium. So naturally your mum’s banned all fish and demands full disclosure of your fish intake. All the more aggravating when instantly forgotten about when they fancy a nice bit of cod.

What Claudia Winkleman was wearing

More of a mum thing, but your dad is complicit for not telling her to shut up. Celebrity outfits and facts are noted and related like an unimaginative Stasi agent never questioning whether his huge files of mundane facts about unremarkable citizens serve any purpose.

The future of the spare room 

Hearing about this would be fine if they plan to turn it into a study or a cobra vivarium. Instead your dad plans to chuck out some junk and repaint it. Hardly a heinous crime except you’ve heard this 200 times over the past three years and the room remains unchanged.

The way they like it

Does your mum pointlessly warm the mugs before making tea? Is your dad the only person allowed to unlock the shed? The endless weird practices are like the strange rituals of monks to pacify God, except even God was fine with not always leaving the Radio Times open on the right day.

Speculation about strangers

The chap two doors down wears a suit to work. But he’s got a Transit van. What’s that about? It’s an enthralling mystery. They could just ask him, because it’s not like they’re accusing him of being a serial killer, but they never will. It works better as a very, very boring guessing game.

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'Perhaps start by asking the police guarding Downing Street?' public advises Met

THE police investigating Downing Street lockdown parties have been advised that the police guarding Downing Street might provide a few answers. 

The investigation into a number of thoroughly documented illegal gatherings that attendees are on record as attending is not expected to be challenging, especially once direct testimony is taken from the police officers who saw it all.

Nathan Muir of Hebden Bridge said: “Call me Columbo, but I’d begin there.

“Check the records, find out who was on duty, haul them to the interrogation room and get a full list of all parties they saw, heard or inadvertently attended. It doesn’t have to be Line of Duty. They’ll probably just tell you.

“They’ll definitely have noticed wheeled suitcases full of wine, because they’re sharp-eyed police, and there’ll definitely be full records of who was where when because it’s the seat of government.

“I say begin there but it can pretty much end there, really. Witness statements from serving and respected police officers should be all the evidence you need. Then arrests, massive fines, resignations.”

Met commissioner Cressida Dick said: “This might shock you, but I think we’re looking at total exoneration.”