HISTORIANS have reassured the world that war with Russia will be no problem because the country is notoriously easy to invade.
The Russian forces massing on the Ukraine border are no biggie, according to professors of military history, as taking the fight to Russia has a precedent of being a breeze.
Professor Martin Bishop said: “Russia looks big, sure. But that’s what makes it so vulnerable. You can’t defend all that at once, so we can find a weak spot and stroll right in.
“Then you sweep across the rolling plains and take the cities. Volgograd, as it’s now called because Stalin’s not so popular, will fall in mere days. Russians can’t handle hardship and don’t like to fight.
“Napoleon and Hitler? Sure, they seemed unstoppable until invading Russia ended in their utter destruction, but they’re the exception to the rule.
“The Mongols managed it easily enough and they didn’t even have tanks or guns, so we should be able to conquer Russia’s rolling icy steppe in no time. We’ll have won well before the long, hard winter.
“China? They won’t get involved. They’re our friends now. They’ll keep supplying our stuff and Russia will keep the gas on and we’ll have finally dealt with this nagging problem.
“Ignore the news, and unwind by watching my documentary about the Cuban Missile Crisis. You’ll piss youself about how we blew conflict with Russia way out of proportion. It’s so naive it’s hilarious.”