Invading Russia always goes well so chill, advise historians

HISTORIANS have reassured the world that war with Russia will be no problem because the country is notoriously easy to invade.

The Russian forces massing on the Ukraine border are no biggie, according to professors of military history, as taking the fight to Russia has a precedent of being a breeze.

Professor Martin Bishop said: “Russia looks big, sure. But that’s what makes it so vulnerable. You can’t defend all that at once, so we can find a weak spot and stroll right in.

“Then you sweep across the rolling plains and take the cities. Volgograd, as it’s now called because Stalin’s not so popular, will fall in mere days. Russians can’t handle hardship and don’t like to fight.

“Napoleon and Hitler? Sure, they seemed unstoppable until invading Russia ended in their utter destruction, but they’re the exception to the rule.

“The Mongols managed it easily enough and they didn’t even have tanks or guns, so we should be able to conquer Russia’s rolling icy steppe in no time. We’ll have won well before the long, hard winter.

“China? They won’t get involved. They’re our friends now. They’ll keep supplying our stuff and Russia will keep the gas on and we’ll have finally dealt with this nagging problem.

“Ignore the news, and unwind by watching my documentary about the Cuban Missile Crisis. You’ll piss youself about how we blew conflict with Russia way out of proportion. It’s so naive it’s hilarious.”

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The new dickhead-friendly Highway Code

THE Highway Code has been updated to meet the needs of the dickheads who dominate Britain’s roads. Be aware of these new rules: 


Previously you had to give way to pedestrians at junctions. Now you must neither stop nor slow down, putting them within inches of being sideswiped by your Audi, ideally while you scream baseless abuse. Good drivers should be doing this already.

When in no rush on a short journey, eg a trip to Londis for a bottle of wine, drive like a f**king maniac. Go at least 10 miles over the speed limit. Overtake and cut back in dangerously on short residential roads. Push your vehicle to its limits. The new Highway Code makes it illegal not to shave four seconds off any journey.


Don’t move to the middle of the lane when you need to turn right; doggedly stay there throughout. If a driver points out the detrimental effect this has on traffic, deliver a short lecture on the carbon footprint of driving and the obesity timebomb. Your self-righteousness is fully protected in law.

The new Highway Code also awards law enforcement powers to cyclists. In any dispute you may chase after a driver, turning a minor incident or honest error into a long, dangerous, Duel-like chase until you catch them texting at a red light with your helmet camera.


‘Look left, look right, look left again’ has been replaced with ‘Be glued to your mobile phone and just step out’. When you are run down, give the concerned driver a mouthful of abuse for f**king up your Wordle.

All teenagers must lark about on the pavement in a group, with the odd one unexpectedly running out into the road in sheer excitement because Kaycee blasted Connor on TikTok. Remain oblivious to the shaken driver who slammed on the brakes and continue shrieking mindlessly about your teenage shit.