'I had no idea I was leading a conga': Boris Johnson's birthday apology in full

THANK you. I attended my birthday party in June 2020, but at no point did I realise I was attending my birthday party. Let me explain. 

I stepped through the door into a darkened room, I assumed to save energy and thereby the planet according to my world-leading green agenda.

The lights went on and a number of co-workers shouted ‘Surprise!’ I agreed that it was a complete and total surprise I had known nothing about in advance.

Those assembled then began singing ‘Happy Birthday’, which I surmised was because they were washing their hands in accordance with Covid safety rules. I felt a glow of pride.

I was then presented with a large burning cake which I immediately extinguished, saving the lives of everyone assembled.

The cake did not strike me as unusual because I have a medical condition requiring me to be presented with large cakes throughout the day. Also flutes of champagne such as I accepted subsequently.

I remained unaware it was my birthday. I then opened a number of cards and gifts and donned an oversized ’56 today’ badge, the meaning of which was opaque to me. Then I received 56 bumps from Raab and Williamson.

Shortly afterwards I was walking around the room, while rhythmic music played, and looked around to find 30 people following me in a kind of dancing line, including my wife and Lulu Lytle. I continued to lead it out of simple courtesy.

At this point I left the work event which I at no time suspected of being anything else, taking the cake, presents and champagne with me to encourage the cessation of all related activities.

I then forgot the entire incident completely for 18 months and continued to work tirelessly on developing the vaccine. Thank you.

How to get everyone to f**k off and leave you alone

MONDAY morning in January? Surrounded by bloody people? Want nothing more than for them all to just piss off? Try these tips: 

Stink

It’s amazing how quickly you’ll develop a pungent reek by not washing. Within days everyone on the bus will know it’s you, and within a fortnight dogs will bark and flee. You could use an eco-argument to defend yourself, but no need – there’s nobody around to defend yourself to.

Talk about your dream

There is little duller than a recounting of a dream, especially as just when the listener thinks it’s over you can add ‘And then suddenly I was at my childhood home but it was underwater’ and begin a whole new bit. You can clear whole offices, train carriages and town centres just by asking ‘did I tell you about my weird dream?’

Refuse to believe in science

Not just vaccines and climate change. Doubting the existence of gravity or questioning the laws of thermodynamics will see people peel away from you in droves. To shake off any remaining hangers-on go flat-Earther. Then revel in the emptiness of your Costa.

Pretend to be a charity fundraiser

Want to quickly get from one side of town to the other, but hate battling through crowds of slow-walkers? Part the public like the Red Sea by carrying fundraising leaflets and trying to engage strangers in conversation. You’ll be avoided like you’re radioactive, leaving you free to power through to Greggs for lunch.

Fake your own death

Extreme? Nah. All it involves is getting your obituary written up in the local newspaper and turning your phone off forever. Half-a-dozen people – partner, family, that one good friend – will be briefly upset but the peace and quiet will be worth it. Until you get bored in a few hours’ time and fancy going bowling.