THANK you. I attended my birthday party in June 2020, but at no point did I realise I was attending my birthday party. Let me explain.
I stepped through the door into a darkened room, I assumed to save energy and thereby the planet according to my world-leading green agenda.
The lights went on and a number of co-workers shouted ‘Surprise!’ I agreed that it was a complete and total surprise I had known nothing about in advance.
Those assembled then began singing ‘Happy Birthday’, which I surmised was because they were washing their hands in accordance with Covid safety rules. I felt a glow of pride.
I was then presented with a large burning cake which I immediately extinguished, saving the lives of everyone assembled.
The cake did not strike me as unusual because I have a medical condition requiring me to be presented with large cakes throughout the day. Also flutes of champagne such as I accepted subsequently.
I remained unaware it was my birthday. I then opened a number of cards and gifts and donned an oversized ’56 today’ badge, the meaning of which was opaque to me. Then I received 56 bumps from Raab and Williamson.
Shortly afterwards I was walking around the room, while rhythmic music played, and looked around to find 30 people following me in a kind of dancing line, including my wife and Lulu Lytle. I continued to lead it out of simple courtesy.
At this point I left the work event which I at no time suspected of being anything else, taking the cake, presents and champagne with me to encourage the cessation of all related activities.
I then forgot the entire incident completely for 18 months and continued to work tirelessly on developing the vaccine. Thank you.