‘Underclass’ delivering value for money

THE ‘underclass’ are giving Britons a sense of superiority for only £30bn a year.

Office workers have described Britain’s half a million ‘troubled’ families as excellent value in terms of bolstering their self-esteem.

Sales administrator Tom Booker said: “I don’t have a celebrity lifestyle and my boss calls me ‘Puny Peter’ so my pride is a pretty fragile thing.

“Reading articles about families who are invariably compared to characters in the television programme Shameless makes me feel warmly conceited, like George Osborne would if he went to Morrison’s.

“Seems like money well spent.”

Marketing consultant Emma Bradford said: “You want to give them enough money so that we can look down on their gardens full of rusting white goods, but not so much that they buy rocket launchers and come to get us.”

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Devil Woman is real, say Cliff Richard fans

SEX abuse allegations against Sir Cliff Richard are the result of a long-standing feud with Devil Woman, it has been claimed.

Marjorie Robertson

Fans of Sir Cliff have revealed that he used a 1976 pop song to expose the demonic femme fatale, sparking a 38-year tit-for-tat conflict between the Christian singer and his satanic nemesis.

Senior fan Jane Thompson said: “Devil Woman is not the product of some songwriter’s imagination, she is a real person. She was born Marjorie Robertson in Yeovil in 1954. By the age of 21 she had become a full-time satanist and Lucifer’s most trusted minion in the South West.

“As one of the world’s most important Christians, Sir Cliff was a target and sure enough she tried to assassinate him for the first time in 1975, the year Billie Jean King won her sixth Wimbledon singles title.

“He escaped, thanks to Sue Barker’s amazing upper body strength, and then quickly assembled a team of crack songwriters so that Christianity could hit back, quick and hard.

“When Devil Woman got to number nine the following June, it was a huge victory for Jesus. But the evil within Robertson is particularly strong.”

Thompson added: “Since then we have been engaged in a secret battle for the soul of Britain. A battle so intense that Cliff was never able to forge a long-term relationship, not even with Sue Barker, the woman who lifted him over her head and threw him into a bin lorry.

“And now Devil Woman has escalated this conflict once again with these baseless accusations. We must hope and pray that the police and judicial system are able to resist Marjorie Robertson’s powerful sexuality.”