Tian Tian's pregnancy blog

MY first wee problem in that the smell of bamboo is giving me the boke.

How had I never realised before the stuff is fucking rank? Like a bottle of Tippex mixed with old man’s pish. I had to ask the zookeepers to take it all away and bury it.

My husband, Yang Guang, went in the huff cause there’s not much else to eat round here. So the other night, I was like ‘Yang Guang, I could pure go a black pudding supper – gonnie nip out to the van? And can you also get a can of Diet Irn Bru? And a bottle of Gaviscon? Here’s a tenner.’ Took him ages to get off his fat arse and then I got carried away with the Gaviscon and gave myself the skitters. There is literally no aspect of this I am finding magical. Is it all worth it?

And on the big day, what to expect? Folks say panda babies are really toty and it could be a case of ‘sneeze and you’ll miss it’. But what if the baby’s head’s coming out and I’m like ‘och here, that’s just a wee jobby’? But my biggest fear is all these mad psychic dreams I’ve been having. Last night, I dreamt I had the wean and it had the body of a panda and the head of John Leslie.

My guts are mental at the moment. What if I’m in the middle of pushing and I accidentally let out a windy-pop? This happened the other day when I was trying to get a beachball out of my tree and all the tourists started pissing themselves. I was like “It wisnae me, it was a lawnmower’ but they didn’t hear because they were all putting it on YouTube. Last night, I blew off in my sleep and Yang Guang went aff his nut ’cause he said it smelled like petrol and gangrene and I wasn’t a lady to him anymore. Then he stormed out the panda hut and slept in the hedge.

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Scientists develop angst battery

PEOPLE will soon charge their phones using unhappiness, say scientists. 

Energy cells that absorb brainwaves from disappointment could provide a source of limitless bio-energy.

Inventor Tom Booker said: “Instead of leaving their phone to charge overnight people will place them next to the bed while they lie awake contemplating their career and relationship status at three in the morning.

“My only concern is that tube delays followed by an annual review on a wet Monday could cause devices to explode.”

Manufacturers are working to ensure that angst-powered devices are as depressingly infuriating as possible to operate, with Microsoft promising that Windows 9 users must solve a cryptic puzzle every time they want to open a new document.