DOCTOR Who is too woke, and needs to return to its roots of an old white man visiting inferior cultures and sneering at them. Who should take the role?
Steve Malley, builder: “Got to be Clarkson. Pop him down in Incan civilisation and watch him hilariously slag them off for not inventing the wheel. Ella Purnell in a fur bikini as companion. TV gold.”
Margaret Gerving, retired: “The Doctor is an alien, a man perpetually out of time, with a string of young wards he blithely leads into perilous situations. Look no further than Jacob Rees-Mogg.”
Oliver O’Connor, sales executive: “David Tennant, but make it really right-wing. Visiting slaves to see how joyful they are. Changing history so Oscar Wilde gets the death penalty. Assassinating Gandhi. The look on his f**king face.”
Francesca Johnson, counsellor: “The problem’s not wokeness, it’s they’ve run out of history. It needs 20 years off so it can catch up.”
Nathan Muir, scaffolder: “Oh Christ. I suppose it’s my f**king turn.”
