'We will still f**k' promise unvaccinated Strictly dancers

THE professionals on Strictly who have refused Covid vaccines have reassured the nation that they will still f**k their celebrity partners. 

The dancers believe the vaccine is insufficiently tested but will continue to test any and all available marriages to breaking point and beyond.

A dancer, speaking anonymously, said: “You don’t know what’s in that vaccine. But I know exactly what’s in Greg Wise – a middle-aged yearning for sexy fun that eventually reaches consummation in a Fleetwood Travelodge.

“I’ll trust my immune system to deal with Covid, thanks, and I’ll trust my youthful looks, natural sense of rhythm and a job where I rub against him all day to get headlines for ruining Emma Thompson’s marriage.

“Catching Covid is a risk I’m prepared to take. Being caught nuts-deep in a gorgeous and flexible dancer is a risk Greg’s clearly prepared to take, or he wouldn’t have done the show.”

A BBC spokesman said: “In this pandemic, Britain needs the fantasy of dumping your dull-ass long-term boyfriend for a hot Russian who goes like a train more than ever.

“Strictly will provide. It’s literally in their contracts.”

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The checklist of bullshit in every Boris Johnson speech

DESPITE considering himself a consummate orator, every speech by Boris Johnson is peppered with bullshit. Tick off his idiocy as it appears:

A joke that falls flat

The easiest piece of bullshit to spot, mainly because the press will pounce on it at the expense of the substance of his speech. The punchline will rely on an outdated and misinterpreted cultural reference, and is typically greeted with gales of silence from the audience. He will repeat it a couple of times, thinking that they didn’t get it.

Casual Latin

The best speeches are emotive, relatable, and easy to understand, which is why they don’t rely on a dead language to get their point across. Johnson however includes the odd Latin quip in an attempt to look smart, just in case you’d forgotten he went to Oxford and joined the Bullingdon Club. Don’t expect him to say ‘mea culpa’.

Confusing metaphors

As the leader of the country, Johnson has to deliver bad news in a way that makes it clear it’s not his fault, even though it is. To help cushion the blow, he’ll describe everything from food shortages to the impending destruction of the climate in a series of military metaphors that leave no one with any idea what he’s talking about.

Rampant hypocrisy

‘It’s time for humanity to grow up’ exclaimed an exasperated Johnson at the UN climate summit. This coming from a man who built his career on clownish buffoonery and paints models of buses for fun. We’re not the ones who flew across an ocean for a meeting that could have been done over Zoom.

Vapid sloganeering

Speeches are rambling, tedious affairs, especially when Johnson’s at the mic. To go out on a high, Johnson will wrap up with a random string of words that almost sound as if they mean something. Luckily the insightful British public can see through the empty promises of ‘take back control’ and ‘build back better’. Oh.