Five bollocks childhood memories your brain made up

CHILDHOOD was an idyllic, carefree time where everything was wonderful. Or was it? Here are five lies your brain tells you about it:

The sun always shone all summer long

Bollocks. Your brain can’t be arsed remembering the endless days of incessant rain, and why should it? No one wants to dwell on being bored shitless stuck in the house before they’d  invented the internet and all you had to entertain you was Connect 4.

Subbuteo was brilliant

Even in the primitive world before Playstations, Subbuteo was unrealistic rubbish. Have you ever seen a real life footballer shoot from 30 yards out and somehow end up flying into the back of the net before the ball did? Let’s face it: Subbuteo was shit.

We’d graze our knees playing and it wouldn’t bother us one bit

The truth is you bawled your eyes out every time you came off your bike and skinned your knee, just like any other child. Not least because you knew it meant your mum would scrub it with TCP that stung worse than the original injury, after first giving you a clip round the ear for being so clumsy.

Christmas was such a magical time

Christmas as a kid was about hoping and praying you’d get the new BMX you wanted so desperately, and then experiencing crushing disappointment when your parents had fobbed you off with a Care Bear. And they made you eat lunch while the Top of the Pops Christmas special was on, the vindictive bastards.

School days were the best days

If you were at school during the 80s or 90s bullying was basically part of the curriculum and if you told a member of staff about it they’d give you detention for being a tell tale. In those days the teachers could fling chalk, blackboard rubbers or even chairs at you and nobody would bat an eyelid. It was Grange Hill on steroids.

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Britain facing long hard winter of it not being Brexit's fault

THE UK is facing a long, harrowing winter of high bills, stock shortages and none of it being anything to do with Brexit. 

Suppliers have warned that everyday items will be unavailable, energy bills will rocket, inflation will run rampant and there will be a constant, thought-scrambling stream of messages on all media that Brexit is entirely uninvolved.

A government spokesman said: “There are tough times ahead for anyone unhelpfully interested in linking cause to effect. Very tough times indeed.

“The unprecedented circumstances of Brexit being a great success and anything negative being completely unrelated means the next six months are crucial in keeping the two separate in Britain’s consciousness.

“To that end we have released £330 million in emergency funding for a cross-platform marketing campaign, backed by slavishly supportive media coverage from all the usual pricks and the BBC, if it knows what’s good for it.

“And this also applies to the blameless architects of Brexit. Johnson, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Farage are all great men. The state Britain finds itself in is nothing to do with them. In fact they’re appalled.”

Donna Sheridan, aged 35, said: “I agree. The two phenomena of Brexit and everything going to shit are unconnected in any way. I voted Leave.”