Chinos, and other ways to show you're a twat that are cheaper than buying a Tesla

TESLAS are ludicrously expensive so why not try a more cost-effective way to highlight how much of a twat you are?

Whisky

A fun way to alienate all around you is by becoming a massive ponce about whisky. Learning the difference between single malts and blends is a great way for twats to combine two of their favourite hobbies: getting pissed, and pedantically lecturing people about a dull subject.

Chinos

There is no more efficient way of letting the world know you’re a full-time prick than by picking yourself up some red chinos. Get yourself that ‘gammon at a yacht club’ vibe to really indicate to people that you are fundamentally awful to be around.

Flash watches

If you are looking to find out the time, you could either check your phone or purchase the cheapest watch available, which will be roughly £10. If you would like to indicate that you are an annoying as f**k person with more money than sense, spend several thousands of pounds on buying a jewel-encrusted clock to strap to your wrist.

Join a golf club

Golf clubs serve an incredibly important social function. They exert a gravity which draws in all pricks in a given area, allowing everyone else some brief respite while tedious arseholes pummel a small ball around a field. Saying you’re a member of a golf club is a great way to let people know they should avoid you.

Be a bellend in a Nissan Leaf

If you’re really committed to the idea of buying an electric car, why not simply be an arsehole in a Nissan Leaf? You’ll save yourself £20,000, and you can just drive it like an idiot. You could even use some of the money left over to have ‘Driven by a massive twat’ written on the side.

Parents of fresher f**king way more than he is

THE parents of an 18-year-old who has left home for university are shagging way much more than he could ever hope to be.

Donna Sheridan and husband Tom say their virtually extinct sex life has sprung back to life now they no longer have a sulking teenager hanging about the house.

Donna said: “Say what you like about the wonder of having kids but there’s no denying they kill your sex life for two decades.

“We tried a bit when he was little but they quickly reach an age where you can’t get away with saying ‘Mummy and daddy are playing a wrestling game’ when they walk into the bedroom when you’re at it hammer and tongs.

“So we basically gave up until now, when it’s on tap whenever we feel like it. Which is pretty much constantly.”

Oliver said: “I thought uni would be one long screwfest. It’s the only reason I came here as I’ve got no real interest in my poxy geography degree.

“I couldn’t have been more wrong. If I can’t finally get laid during Freshers’ Fortnight I might as well pack it in and join a f**king monastery.”