Well they've f**ked that right up, says George RR Martin

GAME of Thrones author George RR Martin has confirmed that the latest episode of the TV adaptation has buggered it completely. 

Martin, whose middle initials are a tribute to Countdown’s Rachel Riley, admitted it was his own fault for not finishing the books in time but never imagined they would get the show this wrong.

He said: “What the fuck did they do that for? They’ve got three episodes left.

“No spoilers obviously, but I envisaged that particular conflict not being resolved until the very end. Being as it’s what the whole thing was clearly about from the start.

“Have they just got that bit over with quickly so they can go off in their own direction? Is Jon Snow going to form a jazz quintet now? Are the next three hours going to return to the core values of the show and be entirely tits?

“I can’t wait for everyone to read the books, where I do all this properly and don’t just curtail it early because there isn’t the budget and pretend it’s a shocking twist.

“Then again, I don’t know if I can be arsed finishing writing them now they’ve ruined it. Just imagine it for yourselves.”

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Britain demands more meals you don't have to pay for if you eat all of it

THE UK has demanded that all cafes and restaurants should have one menu item which is free if consumed in a single sitting.

Britons believe that every dining establishment should adhere to the rule of the greasy spoon mega-breakfast and provide a single option which both challenges and rewards the greedy patron.

Martin Bishop, a noted eater of food, said: “Why doesn’t the Ivy have a gutbuster bucket? With their prices it could be a real life-saver.

“The wife and I like to go to a little trattoria around the corner for special occasions, but I think it’d be even more special if I could eat six pounds of the calabrese pasta, pull up my shirt, rest both hands on my swollen belly, burp sonorously, then walk out without paying.

“Imagine what an honour it’d be to have your photo on the wall of The Fat Duck, bloated with a bucket of snail porridge, Heston feigning astonishment next to you. So proud, and £350 up.”

A McDonald’s spokesman said: “If you eat twice your own weight of our food in an hour, you don’t pay! Because you’ve died.”