How to feel betrayed by everything

WHY stop at politicians and Brexit? Betrayal is everywhere, everyone is a backstabber, and your only hope is to be hysterical about it. Here’s how to be double-crossed by everything: 

Inanimate objects are traitors too 

The toaster didn’t burn your crumpet on purpose, because such ideas are not real. However, work up a head of steam for the day by calling it a ‘spineless breakfast Quisling’ and chucking it into the back garden.

Accuse your family of treason

Did your kids say they’d put their school shoes on five minutes ago but are still slumped in front of the telly watching Paw Patrol? Tell them they’re fifth columnists undermining the system from the inside.

Get apoplectic over lunch

Is the tomato missing from your lunchtime BLT sandwich? Furiously accuse it of breaking its promises and tell it that prison is too good for it in front of the whole canteen.

Frighten strangers

The old lady in the corner shop probably didn’t mean to short-change you, but rather than giving her the benefit of the doubt accuse her of being a perfidious and corrupt member of the capitalist elite. Add in ‘saboteur’ for good measure, even though it doesn’t make any sense.

Give the cat absolute hell

You want to go to bed, but the cat can’t decide if it wants to be inside or outside. While this is annoying, calling it a ‘treacherous Judas who deserves to be hanged’ will send you to bed good and furious. And tomorrow’s another big day.