DO you have a favourite Marvel character? Here’s what your choice says about the type of forlorn weirdo you are.
Tony Stark/Iron Man – Wannabe tech bro
If you’re obsessed with eccentric billionaire Tony Stark, you probably also have a poster of Elon Musk on your bedroom wall. You think you’re a tech genius even though you’ve made several disastrous investments in novelty crypto-currencies called things like ‘JizzCoin’ and are, as a result, back living with your parents.
Thor – Closet fascist
If you’ve chosen a blond Nordic beefcake who chucks a hammer about as your favourite, you’re clearly some kind of neo-fascist. Forget characters that can teleport, make themselves invisible or fly: you’re most drawn to an Aryan in a cape straight out of Hitler’s dreams.
Captain America – Joe Rogan fanboy
You’re bitter that you live in an unglamorous Sheffield suburb as opposed to Manhattan and think that’s why you haven’t got a girlfriend. But, while you sit in a basement listening to Joe Rogan having a masturbatory conversation with Jordan Peterson for the 97th time, remember that if you had been born in America, you’d be just as much of a loser as you are now.
Wolverine – Secret furry
You tell people that you’re drawn to the backstory of this brooding character, or his incredible strength. In reality though, it’s because you’re a secret furry who’s sexually attracted to people dressing up as animals, and Wolverine is right in that sweet spot.
Spider-Man – Sad figurine collector
Your favourite Marvel character is as unimaginative as it could possibly be, you clichéd little nerd, and your house is no doubt filled with insanely expensive figurines that you dust obsessively. Nothing at all tragic about a man with several shelves full of dolls in their original packaging.
She-Hulk – Guilty masturbator
You fantasise about a large, muscly green woman kicking seven shades of shit out of you. There’s weird sexual kinks, and then there’s this. Good luck ever trying to explain this fetish to a partner, assuming you’re ever able to convince someone to have a relationship with you.