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Which TV show are you watching just to keep your partner happy?

YOU only have one life, so why not spend it watching multiple hours of television you hate just to keep the peace?  Yawn through these soul-destroyers: 

Love Is Blind, Netflix

If remembering your own wedding isn’t traumatic enough, watching singles trying to fall in love without ever seeing each other then deciding at the altar whether to wed will definitely do it. ‘It won’t end well,’ you think while remembering the days when you used to talk to each other.

The Last of Us, Sky

Yet another post-apocalypse drama about the strength of human bonds in the face of terrible adversity. Meanwhile your own human bonds are wilting in the face of nothing more than an onslaught of prestige television, and nobody notices or cares. Especially that useless twat at the other end of the sofa.

Below Deck, Amazon Prime

A reality show based around the antics of young ‘yachties’ crewing luxury yachts. You spend all day working to maintain the lifestyles of the super-rich, albeit at a few removes, and spend your leisure time watching more of the same? Why doesn’t anyone shag of an evening anymore?

How Do They Do It?, Discovery Channel

Having a boyfriend who’s handy around the house is great except when it comes to watching a show about extractor fan assembly and yoghurt production. His constant remarks on the efficiency of mass production will be enough for you to want to shove your yoghurt-filled head into the very fan you’re being bored shitless about.

Ancient Aliens, Sky History

Experts with bizarre names espouse hole-filled theories that aliens kickstarted human civilisation then promptly f**ked off. Your wife not only requires you watch it but demands your scepticism is left in another room, where you’d like to be, rather than in here believing the pyramids were built by aliens but the internet was invented by a British bloke called Tim.

Bundesliga Highlights, Sky Sports

As if there wasn’t enough British football, with only four leagues of it and internationals, you spend the evening catching up on the German top flight. Fantasising every player is David Beckham won’t work as your concentration will be broken by the gutteral chants of the Kraut fans. Only 40 minutes to go before bed, and then work.

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Telling them their name: six conversations you've had with celebrities

THEY say ‘don’t meet your heroes’, but rarely continue ‘because you’ll make a twat out of yourself and cringe whenever you see them on telly’. Expect these conversations:

Telling them their name

Always great to start with ‘you’re Nicholas Cage!’. Contrary to popular belief, celebrities don’t often know their own names, so this will be a great reminder. Plus, it will get the exchange off to a wonderfully stilted start as he replies ‘yes’.

Telling them their credits

The only thing celebrities are less familiar with than their own name is their greatest accomplishments. Christina Aguilera may well have completely forgotten she ever recorded Genie in a Bottle, despite having sung it more than 5,000 times.

Pretending to love their work

Twenty seconds into raving about what a huge fan you are, it will dawn on you that you don’t actually like anything they’ve done. But you can’t say that, so now you’re telling Justin Hawkins that the Darkness’s career-killing bomb of a second album is your favourite because you can’t remember the name of their first.

Awkward expectant pauses

After such a witty start, the conversation will inevitably ground to a shuddering halt. This is where you’re expecting Sally Hawkins to step up and recognise that you’re the best friend she’s been waiting for all her life, but all you’re getting is awkward silence. Maybe saying ‘I was so pleased when you won the Oscar’ will fill the gap? Except she didn’t?

Asking for a selfie

With nothing left to give, including your dignity, you will inevitably ask for a picture together. Just hope the 39-year-old woman you’ve called ‘Sonia from EastEnders’ will pity you enough, and want the full-stop it will give to the interaction enough, to say yes.

Nothing

Of course, the above will rarely happen because more times than not you’ll be too scared to say anything. Instead, you’ll stare at them, take a discreet blurry picture to send to your mates, and maintain your delusion that you would have hit it off if you’d gone over to say hi.

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