Patriarchy collapses after teenage boy paints nails

THE social system which benefits men has come crashing down as a 15-year-old boy has decided to lacquer his nails with coloured varnish.

Jack Browne has single-handedly ushered a new age of tolerance and equality by painting his fingernails in primary colours, an act usually associated with female appearances.

Browne mumbled: “As soon as the last nail was done I heard the bells ring out. Women poured into the streets and started hugging each other with tears of joy streaming down their faces, all thanks to my one act of gender nonconformity.

“I looked at the news and saw progress on the march. The gender pay gap had vanished, Roe v Wade was once again ruled law by the US Supreme Court, and white van drivers forever renounced cat-calling. Not bad for five minutes work.

“Dad struggled with my revolutionary act, not because he refuses to be an ally, but because he tried a similar stunt during his Adam and the Ants phase and lost his nerve halfway through.

“Mum’s less pleased, because it was her nail varnish, it costs £17 a bottle and I got some on my duvet, but there are always those who progress leaves behind.”

Society was reset to its unjust patriarchal model when Browne met his mates at the skatepark, a girl told him he had ‘done a shit job’ of his nails and he called her ‘a slag’.

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Stanley Johnson, Carrie Johnson, six posh girls with unexplained babies: Boris Johnson's resignation honours list

BORIS Johnson’s resignation honours list includes his father, his wife, his baby son, six single mothers with ridiculous names, and these: 

Stanley Johnson, knighthood

Nothing could be more deserved for a freeloading accused groper and wife-beater whose contribution to public life is occasionally appearing on breakfast television.

Carrie Johnson, made Baroness Johnson of East Sheen

Bestowed in anticipation of the forthcoming divorce as a sweetener.

Wilfred Johnson, made Viscount Johnson

Viscounts are hereditary peers and cannot be created since the House of Lords Act 1999, which the former prime minister selflessly ignored.

Rachel Johnson, made Lady Johnson of Notting Hill

Boris’s sister, included because everyone else in the family is getting something so it would be rude to leave her out. Officially honoured for not coming last in 2018’s Celebrity Big Brother and winning the 2008 Bad Sex in Fiction prize.

Boris Johnson’s cock, made Duke of Maidenhead

Johnson’s own knob is now a Duke and has droit de seigneur, giving it the right to have sexual relations with any woman in the Reading area on her wedding night. That comes with the position, Johnson doesn’t make the rules.

Sergey Nalobin, made Lord Nalobin of Cricklewood

Son of a KGB agent who is a close personal friend of Johnson, often appearing in his bedroom uninvited at 4am to make certain requests.

Caledonia Barings-Price, Quincy de Russi, Mirielle St Clement, Evianna Weston-Sykes, Lavatera Spriggs and Futuere Astor Busch, all CBEs

Six women, all who have small blonde children whose fathers are unknown, who work in journalism, art dealing, wealth management, estate management, the Conservative party and the Cabinet office.

Michael Gove, knighthood

A little something to say no hard feelings.

Paul Dacre, Most Noble Order of the Garter

There can be no doubt that the editor of the Daily Mail, who has done so much for Britain, deserves the highest possible honour usually reserved for heads of MI5 and Leaders of the Lords.

Assorted MBEs 

Thrown out to crowd at Tiger Tiger in Portsmouth during a personal appearance by the former prime minister.