'I'm a great listener,' man interrupts

A WOMAN’S boyfriend has interrupted her complaint that nobody ever listens to her by explaining he is a great listener. 

Lucy Parry was telling Josh Gardner that nobody at work ever pays attention to her when he cut her off to say that he is an exception and any suggestion he does not appreciate, value, or listen to her views is frankly hurtful.

He continued: “I understand you might feel you’re not being heard sometimes, but not in this relationship. No danger.

“I make time and space, I hear you out, I’m empathetic and receptive. I know that communication isn’t a one-way street. Hey, if I didn’t you wouldn’t be telling me about whatever it is. The work thing.

“Do I occasionally contribute my own perspective? Sure, but only when it helps to illuminate the subject at hand, as at present. Anyway, shall I heat up that korma? And I have to tell you about what happened with Mark’s fantasy football team.”

Lucy said: “Josh hears about one word in ten, most of which are his own name, like a dog.

“The shameful thing is that compared to most pricks, that actually does qualify him a good listener.”

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Meetings cancelled at the last minute, and other career highs

REAL career highs are not promotions, successful initiatives or boosting the share price, but the buzz of a training course that finishes before lunch. And these: 

The last-minute meeting cancellation

It’s 10am, and you are dreading a meeting which rolls straight over lunch and into the afternoon – when it’s cancelled, because Jeff from head office is stuck on the M4 like a wanker. You now have a full day to do work, eat food and perform normal human bodily functions. Can anything beat that?

The race to read a recalled email

Emma has sent out an email titled ‘RE: project deadline’ then another hastily saying, ‘Emma Bradford would like to recall the message “RE: project deadline.’ The race to read the original is on, in the hope of blunt honesty, staggering profanity or confidential information. Sadly Emma just spelt ‘strategic’ wrong, but that’s good enough.

Being new

After the first week when you’ve learned where the toilets and canteen are, being new is a rush. Only the pathetic treat it as a chance to prove their worth. Everyone else gets the six-month euphoria of being handed a big piece of work about the pensions update and saying ‘Sorry, I don’t know anything about it. I’m new.’

Being first to summarising your group’s findings

It’s an awayday, you’ve been split into groups to conclude the bleeding obvious and you’re up first. You make all the key points then sit back to watch other, far more capable people flail around to find something different to say, while you resume your fantasy about shagging Nathan from Finance.

A colleague brings in Haribo

Previously a routine event, until everyone began drinking green smoothies and carrying around giant water bottles as a demonstration of joylessness. So when Tom greets 2pm with a giant bag of Tangfastics and some Mini Eggs your day is f**king made.

Knowing secrets

On Friday Martin tried to touch Carolyn’s knee under the pub table. You know this because he got your knee by mistake. Martin doesn’t know you know. Carolyn doesn’t know you know. You know you know, and it makes their halting, confused interactions so exquisite.

A shared hatred

There is nothing to rival the warm glow of a shared loathing, you realise, as you and Nikki discover you both hate Steph with a passion. The resulting high carries you through two meetings with compliance, which not even hard drugs can achieve.

Getting made redundant

Your role is disappearing due to ‘restructuring’ by that arsehole consultant. You’re getting three months gardening leave and a payoff. You can not work for half a year before you end up doing the same shit somewhere else. This is the greatest day of your motherf**king life.