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Man picked last in PE still taking out anger on entire world

A MAN who was the last to be chosen for PE teams is still exacting vengeance on everyone and everything 40 years later.

Fuelled by the humiliation of being very reluctantly picked for games he was bad at playing, Martin Bishop has spent the rest of his life wreaking havoc on people, plants, animals and inanimate objects.

He said: “People think it’s loners who didn’t get into art school you have to look out for. But they’re nothing compared to the last nerd standing on a rain-lashed school playing field.

“Nobody and nothing is safe from my wrath. If kids kick a ball over my fence I enthusiastically puncture it right in front them. It makes me feel good in the place where my heart should be. Even the sight of coastal erosion fills me with twisted glee. F**k you, land. You think you’re so special.

“If I ruled the world, which by rights I should, PE would be illegal. Also I’d be allowed to execute anyone with good hand-eye coordination. Then there’d just be me and all the other geeks left and we’d be free to be unhappy together.

“Although I’d probably end up offing them as well because they’re really annoying in their own unique ways. But I’m definitely not.”

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Nine things we wish you would stop doing, by a newborn

AS a newborn baby, there are many things you do that make me wish I was able to tell you you’re an idiot. Like these:

Shoving black and white fabric books in my face

Yes, I know you’re trying to improve my cognitive abilities because you want me to become a criminal barrister, but honestly, can you just give it a rest? I’m 17 days old, you twit.

Saying I look like Daddy

On the rare occasions that he looks up from his phone, Daddy appears to be overweight and has a massive nose, so this is clearly not a compliment.

Enlarging photos of me

A 5 x 7″ print on the bedside table is fine, but I’m probably the ugliest I’ll ever look right now, so can you save this massive canvas print bullshit until I’m older?

Making weird mementos

That thing where you put my foot in cold, wet plaster to make a cast, what the f**k was that? I’m a human being, not a twee Hobbycraft product.

Leaving me with your parents

Did you know they wheel me around outside in all weathers hoping random strangers will stop and admire me? I’m freezing my tits off in order to boost these OAPs’ egos.

Reading me rubbish picture books

Spot Goes To School does not have a rich narrative, people.

Piercing my ears

Whether you’re incredibly common or the sort of hipster dickhead who thinks it’s a cool and ironic thing to do, it f**king hurts and I look ridiculous.

Taking me to Rhyme Time 

You have to sit in a miserable church hall with a lukewarm cup of tea while clapping my useless little hands together. It’s 8.30am on a Friday and you would rather have stayed in bed. So would I.

Saying you’ll never give me sugar

It’s easy to say that now while I’m tiny and have no experience of anything other than milk and sleep. But when I’m old enough to throw a tantrum and call you a stupid bumface in Aldi, you’ll be shoving sweets in my gob quicker than you can say ‘Haribo’.

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