Boomer couple downsizing to bigger house than you will ever own

A RETIRED couple have moved from their spacious five-bed family home to a modest little three-bed that is still far beyond your buying power.

Bill and Janet McKay have downsized, yet stayed in the same desirable area that is apparently ideal for young families but impossible to afford if you are not an investment banker or in your 60s.

Janet McKay said: “Selling our house for an 800 per cent profit was a tough decision, but being cash buyers meant we could easily beat any mortgage-seeker to the best smaller houses in the area.

“The new place feels a bit pokey but we’ll get used to having just the two bathrooms, and we think we can manage with one sitting room. We’ve accepted we’ll have to rough it a bit now that we’re only living off our enormous final salary pensions.

“We have such fond memories of raising our family around here, so it feels right to stay and drive the prices up further. Not that any young people can afford to buy here now, of course, because they’re so dreadful at saving.”

Son Olly McKay said: “Inheritance? Unlikely. They’ll piss all the cash from the house sale away on cruises and garden furniture. Why can’t they just die already?”

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How to become middle class by upgrading your condiments

ARE you a class betrayer desperate to slither your way into the ranks of the middle classes? Here’s how to do it with your favourite condiments.

Mayo to aioli

Any middle-class person worth their pink Himalayan salt wouldn’t be caught dead with bog standard mayonnaise, so bin your Hellmann’s and get yourself down to the farmers’ market for some artisanal aioli. It’s basically incredibly garlicky mayo that comes in a tiny jar and costs twice as much, which is why middle-class people think it’s special.

Ketchup to relish

No one who regularly reads the Guardian consumes ketchup. They aren’t even able to digest Heinz, that’s just science. Instead, they eat relish, which they’ll say is far superior, despite the fact that it is in no way the same. Prepare for every plate of chips you ever eat to be ruined by big, horrible chunks of vegetable.

Sarsons to apple cider vinegar

Nobody cares what vinegar is made from, unless they want to climb the social ladder, and then they get incredibly picky. Middle-class people will only consume apple cider vinegar, which they also mysteriously insist comes ‘with the mother’. Anyone who lives north of Bristol will have no idea what the f**k they’re talking about. (It’s ‘good’ bacteria, like in the overpriced yoghurts.)

Colman’s to Grey Poupon Dijon mustard

None of that common, bright yellow English shit, thank you very much. Middle-class people have refined palates that demand mustard made in France using the finest Chardonnay. The truth is that they wouldn’t be able to tell the difference in a blind taste test and just like the fancy writing on the jar.

Salad cream to hummus

While these two condiments are completely different in taste and texture, the similarity lies in the function they perform. Just as council estate dwellers slop salad cream onto literally everything, no middle-class meal is complete without a spoonful of hummus, whether it’s a fried breakfast or a falafel burger.

Butter to olive oil

The goal of every middle-class person is to live to be at least 100, so they can delay their children inheriting any of their wealth for as long as possible. So rather than evil, heart-destroying butter, they obsess over Mediterranean diets and healthy fats. A buttered crumpet is one of mankind’s greatest inventions, but to posh pricks it’s worse than heroin.