Married couple bail on date night after 20 minutes because the chemistry isn't there

A MARRIED couple have made excuses to get out of date night after 20 minutes because there was no chemistry whatsoever.

Hannah and Shaun Tomlinson visited a city centre cocktail bar, but both admitted that before they had even finished their first drink it was obvious this was not going to lead somewhere.

Hannah, aged 38, said: “I don’t like to be basic, but you’ve got to fancy them, haven’t you?

“You can have all the friendly conversation in the world but without that physical connection you’re both wasting your time. It was for his sake as much as mine.

“We’d finished our drinks, the gulf between us was yawning and unignorable, but rather than say anything I faked an urgent text and claimed there was a childcare emergency. I think he was as relieved as I was.

“I got home, took all my slap off, and slumped on the sofa in front of Gogglebox with a glass of wine and a feeling of lucky escape. He’s probably just as delighted to be at home playing videogames. Frankly I’m just glad we called it early.”

Shaun, aged 39, said: “Yeah, I don’t want to be rude but she was too fat for me. And old.”

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Men treating mate's new girlfriend to run-through of his most shameful moments

A GROUP of men are regaling their mate’s new girlfriend with a detailed explanation of his most humiliating moments.

After introducing themselves to Sophie Rodriguez, Tom Booker’s mates immediately told her about the time he shat himself at Alton Towers, bombed while giving a best man speech and got caught shagging his ex by his parents.

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “Tom’s done well for himself. She’s a looker with a lovely personality and good sense of humour. Now it’s time to potentially ruin his happiness.

“We started small by bringing up blunders from his school days and your run of the mill teenage misadventures. But after a few pints we were telling her everything that happened in Amsterdam which we falsely claimed would stay in Amsterdam.

“It sounds like a cruel thing to do, but it’s better she hears it all from us in one go rather than gradually over the course of a few years. We’ve either strengthened their relationship or completely destroyed it. It’s what bros are for.”

Rodriguez said: “Tom’s mates are a right laugh but I’m dreading introducing him to my friends. Nothing’s more terrifying than a group of women pretending to be nice to you while secretly and harshly judging your every move.”