Six British TV shows that should not attempt cinematic spin-offs

A MOVIE of Luther that nobody asked for is in cinemas. Which other hit British series should not attempt to hit the big screen?

Naked Attraction

Two hours of more cockeyed fannies, wonky dicks, grisly piercings and saggy arses than you’ve ever seen before, all house-sized at your local Odeon. The audience, who have only attended to be desensitised to all sexual stimuli for the rest of their lives, slump eating popcorn. Stay for the mid-credits teaser! It’s a cock.


A cinematic follow-up to an epic long-running British TV series? Finally with the budget to leave the wards? But with the characteristic lack of imagination that would just see all the characters board a bus for a holiday in Ibiza and find themselves embroiled in Balearic medical action when a 747 crashes into a superclub?

The One Show

Who wouldn’t want to see Jones, Jenas and Keating recreate their small-screen chemistry in a full-length movie, introducing Larry Lamb with a report on goat farming in the Shetlands with all the latest CGI? For 150 gripping minutes, including a rollercoaster section when Gyles Brandreth weaves a jumper from HIS OWN DOG’S HAIR!


Cumberbatch and Freeman are both bona fide movie stars and episodes were already movie-length, so it seems a natural fit. Unfortunately Sherlock’s last outing in 2017, The Crystal Maze of Death, was so epically shite that it curtailed all affection for the show worldwide and no f**ker would go and see it.

Pobol y Cym

The middle classes love an arty foreign language movie about disadvantaged communities where courageous, downtrodden proletarians struggle to escape the poverty trap and achieve their dreams. Except if they’re Welsh, because that’s not fashionable.

Dickinson’s Real Deal

This blockbuster sees alien technology stolen from Area 51, Merlin’s cursed walking stick, and a Lladro figurine used in a mass murder brought in to Dickinson’s dealers for auction while the CIA, Vatican Special Forces, the Yakuza and Dickinson’s hitherto unrevealed evil twin battle for them. Actually, this one sounds awesome.

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New mum spends first night out hopelessly pissed and irrationally paranoid

A NEW mum who had been desperate to go out for months immediately got hammered and spent the whole evening fretting about her baby.

Emma Bradford was thrilled to have the chance to go out and socialise without a newborn clamped to her breast, and even more excited to have her first sip of alcohol in over a year.

Friend Lucy Phipps said: “I thought we’d have a relaxed evening with a few drinks and a laugh, but I hadn’t appreciated the ways in which having a small baby makes you absolutely mental.

“Emma was dressed up to the nines, which was a bit weird for the local pub, but she said she hadn’t worn anything apart from pyjamas since before Christmas so I can understand her enthusiasm for a new outfit and lots of lippy.

“We ordered a bottle of wine and she’d necked two large glasses before I’d got through one small one. Which is fine, but she obviously hasn’t drunk for a while so was shitfaced within 30 minutes.

“And then she was suddenly overtaken with a huge wave of guilt and paranoia about whether the baby was okay, even though he was with his dad, who texted every 15 minutes to assure her of his safety.

“She started crying so I put her in a taxi and was home by 8.30pm. Ideal, really.”