A MOVIE of Luther that nobody asked for is in cinemas. Which other hit British series should not attempt to hit the big screen?
Naked Attraction
Two hours of more cockeyed fannies, wonky dicks, grisly piercings and saggy arses than you’ve ever seen before, all house-sized at your local Odeon. The audience, who have only attended to be desensitised to all sexual stimuli for the rest of their lives, slump eating popcorn. Stay for the mid-credits teaser! It’s a cock.
Casualty
A cinematic follow-up to an epic long-running British TV series? Finally with the budget to leave the wards? But with the characteristic lack of imagination that would just see all the characters board a bus for a holiday in Ibiza and find themselves embroiled in Balearic medical action when a 747 crashes into a superclub?
The One Show
Who wouldn’t want to see Jones, Jenas and Keating recreate their small-screen chemistry in a full-length movie, introducing Larry Lamb with a report on goat farming in the Shetlands with all the latest CGI? For 150 gripping minutes, including a rollercoaster section when Gyles Brandreth weaves a jumper from HIS OWN DOG’S HAIR!
Sherlock
Cumberbatch and Freeman are both bona fide movie stars and episodes were already movie-length, so it seems a natural fit. Unfortunately Sherlock’s last outing in 2017, The Crystal Maze of Death, was so epically shite that it curtailed all affection for the show worldwide and no f**ker would go and see it.
Pobol y Cym
The middle classes love an arty foreign language movie about disadvantaged communities where courageous, downtrodden proletarians struggle to escape the poverty trap and achieve their dreams. Except if they’re Welsh, because that’s not fashionable.
Dickinson’s Real Deal
This blockbuster sees alien technology stolen from Area 51, Merlin’s cursed walking stick, and a Lladro figurine used in a mass murder brought in to Dickinson’s dealers for auction while the CIA, Vatican Special Forces, the Yakuza and Dickinson’s hitherto unrevealed evil twin battle for them. Actually, this one sounds awesome.
