Why mummy was sitting on top of daddy shouting: What to do if you're caught in the act by your five-year-old

HUMPING away merrily then realise your child has wandered into the bedroom? Try and bail yourselves out with one of these implausible lies.

We were playing horses. Mummy was sitting on top of daddy shouting because you were playing an innocent game of horsey. They’ll point out you’ve got it wrong because you don’t ride a horse by straddling its groin. And you don’t shout ‘Oh God I’m coming!’, you say ‘Giddy up!’. She’ll fetch her hobby horse to show you how it’s done while galloping around the bedroom. The moment’s f**ked. Unlike you.

Daddy was warming mummy up. You were lying on top of mummy because she felt cold. Not hugely believable – you’re so warm now you’re both sweaty and bright red, but why are you naked if you’re chilly? If your child buys it they’re probably not the sharpest spoon in the box, so forget any Oxbridge graduation ceremonies.

Mummy was kissing daddy’s poorly willy better. Daddy has hurt his willy and you were kissing it better, like you do with bumps and grazes. He must have been in f**king agony from the gasps and groans he was making. If you’re lucky they might just swallow it, which is more than mummy will be doing now. Just pray they don’t (A) burst into tears because Daddy’s going to die, or (B) loudly tell your next adult visitor that Daddy’s willy is sick.

Mummy was choking on something. Why else would she be on all fours with you vigorously shunting at her from behind? Explaining the Heimlich manoeuvre to a preschool sprog is sheer genius because they’ll immediately glaze over with boredom and bugger off. You could get back to it, only you’ve both lost the urge now.

Attention-diverting bribery. Change the subject in a flash by telling him he’s been such a good boy lately that yes, he can have that rocket launcher toy he’s been banging on about for weeks. Which is weird, because only last night he was getting a bollocking for refusing to eat his tea. Unfortunately now he’ll try to catch you at it again to procure more plastic tat. Probably best to give up sex altogether until the grasping little shit leaves home.

The truth. If all else fails, ie. you don’t come up with some bullshit quickly enough, you could always just be honest about it. The whole ‘When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much’ shebang. She’ll either be completely grossed out or utterly uninterested and leave you alone. Then recount the whole episode the next time she has a sleepover at granny and grandpa’s.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman reduces screen time to 94.6 per cent of waking hours

A WOMAN has drastically reduced her daily screen time by several waking minutes, it has emerged.

Lauren Hewitt decided it was time to take action after realising she has spent every moment of the last 15 years when not actually unconscious glued to a phone, computer, tablet or TV.

Hewitt said: “I didn’t think it would be possible. I have to use screens for work, watching Netflix and taking a shit. Even when I’m asleep I dream of staring at a glaring oblong.

“I thought about going off-grid, but when I looked into it that sounded like a right faff. So I’ve just started having really long showers instead. 

“It’s the only place I’m guaranteed to be free because I’m not going to knacker my iPhone or the TV by getting them wet. Although I’ve been tempted during boring thigh scrubbing.

“It’s working though. I’ve managed to reduce my screen time by a whopping 14 minutes. At least that’s what my phone says. I can’t help but check it every few seconds to see how I’m getting on. I’d better do it now.”

Hewitt’s boyfriend Tom Booker said: “I suggested that putting her phone away during sex was romantic and would bring her screen time down even more. Her exact words were ‘No f**king chance’.”