White People Advised Against B.A. Baracus Impersonations

THE new A-Team film is to carry a warning advising white men in their 30s not to impersonate B.A. Baracus.

The message will appear at the start of the feature, telling all those who never outgrew the original TV series not to repeat the phrases ‘I ain’t getting’ on no plane, fool’ and ‘you crazy fool, Murdoch’ in pretty much the same voice that they also use to impersonate Samuel L Jackson.

A spokesman for the British Board of Film Classification said: “The character of B.A. Baracus has long been considered a kind of ‘free pass’ for white people who would normally feel uneasy about publicly imitating an angry black man.

“This type of behaviour is never less than excruciating and cannot be condoned. At best it’s socially and politically iffy, at worst it reeks of Justin Lee Collins.”

Tom Logan, a sales executive from Stevenage, said: “I think it feels okay because Mr T is a cosy teatime thing, sort of like the Antiques Roadshow if it had loads of muscles and chains and could kill you with its bare hands.”

He added: “Calling someone a ‘sucka’ because they’ve incorrectly configured their email settings is going to be brilliant though, isn’t it?”

Stephen Malley, one of those IT consultants from Swindon, said: “It’s a shame because Mr T is the only black voice I feel I can still do in the workplace without the personnel department getting heavily involved in my life.

“I remember a time, not so long ago, when you could arrive at your desk in the morning and let out a hearty ‘Katanga, my friends!’ but if I did that now it’d be all over one of those fancy London newspapers and they’d send me to live in Gloucester.

“That said, I am working on my Nelson Mandela and a very respectful Ainsley Harriot.”


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Pregnant Women To Be Labelled

EXPECTANT women are to be labelled to avoid embarrassing confusion with the fat ones, it has been confirmed.

The department of health made the move after a spate of awkward incidents where seats on public transport were inadvertently offered to hefty, red-faced women who were not with child.

A spokesman said: “Too many innocent bystanders are being dragged into potentially explosive situations because, through no fault of their own, they are unable to tell whether a woman is full of baby or pie.”

The government wants mothers-to-be to carry a clear visual indicator of their condition, such as a a nappy worn as a skull cap, or a pair of large, bright yellow Y-fronts worn on the outside of their trousers or skirt.

At weddings or other social functions the women would be allowed to wear a fashionable hat as long as it has ‘inseminated’ written somewhere on the front.

The spokesman added: “If you encounter a large woman who is not labelled, simply engage her in a brief conversation. Her condition should become apparent within seconds, what with all the total insanity.

“If you say something like ‘nice day isn’t it?’ and she responds by grabbing you roughly by the throat and trying to rip your nose off with her teeth, then it’s safe to assume it’s a woman in her third trimester, rather than some kind of bi-ped Haagen Dazs bucket.”

However, larger women stressed they are not offended by pregnancy misconceptions. Well-covered estate agent Emma Bradford said: “My lovely big belly virtually guarantees me a seat on the way to work. It’s one of the main reasons I eat so much cheese-coated beef.

“Sometimes I even carry a book of baby names or puke into a bag.”