Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your new girlfriend is quiet and unassuming, maybe slightly aloof, as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. And of course, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, what with you keeping her in the freezer.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’re splashed all over papers after trading insults with the host of a glitzy awards ceremony. Why don’t the both of you just fuck off?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With your biological clock ticking quietly in the background, your
thoughts turn, once again, to children. Is it still illegal to employ
them in the EU? And if you decide to relocate to the Philippines, how
easy will it be to avoid corporation tax?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Summer is here and you’re keen to try something new and exciting. Have you considered mincing?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will reveal how you wish you could go back in time and
assassinate the creator of Grey’s Anatomy. No-one will expect you
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Sometimes relationships reach their natural end without either side being to blame, but sometimes it’s because one person was a boring, petty, self-absorbed bitch.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you meet an Irish labourer in a London hair salon, who, it will later turn out, was part of an IRA gang that kidnapped your boyfriend. Beguiled by your sultry but vulnerable singing voice, his attraction to you deepens and intensifies until he tells you that you are one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen. Let’s just hope he likes your cock.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you go will you send back a letter from America? Preferably one about why Scotland has always been such a ghastly place to live.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you wear trousers or underpants next Tuesday you will definitely die.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will announce your engagement to a former Blue Peter presenter, leaving your devoted fans puzzled by what seems to be an unusual match. Until, of course, they go online and get a right good shufti at her knockers.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Everyone keeps saying that high speed European rail travel is the most convenient and civilised way to see the continent. It seems they’ve never been rammed into an over-booked second class carriage with a large group of flatulent Dutchmen.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Could you do me a tiny little favour and change everything about yourself immediately?