Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

Your new girlfriend is quiet and unassuming, maybe slightly aloof, as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. And of course, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, what with you keeping her in the freezer.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’re splashed all over papers after trading insults with the host of a glitzy awards ceremony. Why don’t the both of you just fuck off?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With your biological clock ticking quietly in the background, your
thoughts turn, once again, to children. Is it still illegal to employ
them in the EU? And if you decide to relocate to the Philippines, how
easy will it be to avoid corporation tax?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Summer is here and you’re keen to try something new and exciting. Have you considered mincing?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will reveal how you wish you could go back in time and
assassinate the creator of Grey’s Anatomy. No-one will expect you
to apologise.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Sometimes relationships reach their natural end without either side being to blame, but sometimes it’s because one person was a boring, petty, self-absorbed bitch.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you meet an Irish labourer in a London hair salon, who, it will later turn out, was part of an IRA gang that kidnapped your boyfriend. Beguiled by your sultry but vulnerable singing voice, his attraction to you deepens and intensifies until he tells you that you are one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen. Let’s just hope he likes your cock.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
When you go will you send back a letter from America? Preferably one about why Scotland has always been such a ghastly place to live.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you wear trousers or underpants next Tuesday you will definitely die.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you will announce your engagement to a former Blue Peter presenter, leaving your devoted fans puzzled by what seems to be an unusual match. Until, of course, they go online and get a right good shufti at her knockers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Everyone keeps saying that high speed European rail travel is the most convenient and civilised way to see the continent. It seems they’ve never been rammed into an over-booked second class carriage with a large group of flatulent Dutchmen.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Could you do me a tiny little favour and change everything about yourself immediately?


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I suspect that my husband is having an affair with my sister, but I haven’t yet been able to prove anything. Last night, I walked in to find my sister sitting astride my husband with her top off, lipstick smeared all over her face and his, shouting ‘ride me, cowboy!’. At first I was extremely angry, but my sister assures me she was simply attempting to retrieve a contact lens, and that my husband had very kindly stepped in to help. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I have a feeling something fishy is going on. Do you think I should confront them?

Dear Imelda,
That reminds me of the time me and Stacey Lawson found a curious object in the sandpit in her back garden. Stacey got really excited and said it was probably an ancient fossil worth loads of money. We decided we would sell it to the Natural History Museum for billions of pounds and use all the money to buy ourselves loads and loads of treats. I eventually settled on a Barbie mansion and stables, a rainbow of jumbo felt tips and a Shaun the Sheep lunchbox, whereas Stacey was adamant that her half was all going on a lifetime supply of pickled onion Monster Munch. However, when we showed our treasure to my big sister, it turned out that the object was actually a dried lump of dog poo, not an ancient fossil. I’m not sure what was worse: the realisation that I wasn’t going to have a Barbie mansion and stables after all, or that I’d spent the last hour caressing an old piece of dog dirt. The lesson here is that you need to ensure you have access to all the facts before you start making wild assumptions. Also, that you probably shouldn’t play with strange brown things that you find lying around.
Hope that helps!