Bon Jovi Gigs To Trigger Fresh Wave Of Pathetic Pub Bands

HUNDREDS of desperate pub bands could be created in the wave of impending Bon Jovi gigs, experts have warned.

The Institute for Studies claimed that as many as 26% of Bon Jovi fans attending the concerts will be inspired to start covers bands with names like Route 66, Dead or Alive and Outlaw.

They will inevitably end up dragging their own PAs around the local pub circuit, playing to as many as half a dozen hatchet-faced alcoholics at each venue while clinging to an increasingly tattered dream of stardom.

Dr Tom Logan said: “There’s simply nothing like Bon Jovi’s anthemic poodle rock to inspire exactly the wrong kind of people to buy a chord book and a leather jacket with a fringe.

“Soon they will start describing their best mate as their ‘manager’ and refer to rock stars they will never meet using only their first names.

“It’s a genuinely sad situation which has robbed many pleasant, middle-aged family men of the last remaining scraps of their dignity.”

Stephen Malley, a 39-year-old postman from Doncaster, is in Bon Jovi cover band Renegades, which also features his wife Pat in a Richie Sambora wig.

He said: “I just know we’re gonna make it, the gigs get bigger and better every week. We rocked the function room of the Harvester in Telford, there must have been 4,000 people there, give or take 3,950.”

He added: “Do you want to buy a CD? They’re properly done, with colour photocopied covers that look brilliant.”

Father-of-three, Roy Hobbs, plays bass guitar in Urban Cowboys, a four-piece which performs Bon Jovi songs, some chart stuff and ‘the Fleetwood Mac one that’s on the grand prix’.

He said: “After rocking my brother’s wedding, I called my boss and told him to fuck himself because he’s a company man and I’m a maverick who lives for music and burning into the sunset on my steel horse which is actually a Vauxhall Corsa.

“Excellent mileage though.”


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UK To Cut Immigrant Numbers By Teaching Them To Read The Daily Mail

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

Ministers believe that using the newspaper as the main teaching resource in English language classes should persuade more than 90% of applicants to go straight back home.

The plan, described by BNP leader Nick Griffin as a ‘stroke of genius’, will see each new immigrant handed 10 copies of the Daily Mail, a box of high-strength paracetamol and a bucket.

Rahman Ahmed, a carpenter from a small village in northern Bangladesh who signed up to the pilot programme, revealed it took him just 90 seconds to realise he had made a ‘terrible, terrible mistake’.

Standing at the the check-in queue at Heathrow airport, he said: “It not just fact that you all obviously hate me – I prepared for that – it that so many of you seem fascinated with fatness or thinness of stupid, talentless women.

“Then I notice how you all in constant panic about whether or not to eat tomatoes. Some days they are best thing ever, other days they kill you. I am thinking ‘this is not product of healthy brain’.”

He added: “And I afraid I simply cannot live in country where people like Jan Moir are not fed to ravenous leopards in front of large, happy crowd.”

Ahmed’s friend and fellow student Khaled Assani said: “After five minutes I have to look up my Bengali-English dictionary for phrase ‘demented fascist’. I go home now. Leave me be.”

Meanwhile officials insist the newspaper’s attitude to women should be particularly effective in persuading the wives and fiancees of immigrants to attempt to swim back to the country of their birth if they cannot afford the air fare.

A Home Office spokesman said: “To women from muslim countries, the Daily Mail should makes Islamic fundamentalism seem like a Germaine Greer seminar on the power of the vagina.”