Spend All The Money On Me, Everyone Tells Osborne

PUBLIC spending should be cut on everything except all the stuff I use, everyone in Britain said today.

As chancellor George Osborne launched a wide ranging consultation on how the government should spend public money, the public said it obviously wanted everything all the time.

Martin Bishop, from York, said: “Times are hard and we cannot possibly afford to go on spending money on everyone. So I’ve drawn up a list. At the moment it’s just me and the guy that fixes my car.”

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “I’ve never understood why there are quite so many schools. Obviously my children need to go to school, but I’m not sure about other people’s, given that they’re so ghastly and pointless.”

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, added: “We should be using public money to cut NHS waiting lists for me.

“We need to make the system more efficient by ensuring I have my own personal doctor who sits around all day waiting for me to get sick and then comes to my house and lives there until I get better.

“And I want a great big fucking boat as well.”

The consultation will also ask which services should be provided by the government and which should be provided by other organisations that have no idea what they’re doing.

Mary Fisher, from Hitchin, said: “I think that the public sector should look after me while everyone else should be looked after by Save the Children and Top Shop.”

Meanwhile some taxpayers have even attempted to bribe the chancellor with cakes and favours. Father of two, Nathan Muir, wrote to Mr Osborne, saying: “I’ll make you a Battenburg. I’ll paint your shed. I’ll come to your house and do delicate things to your scrotum. Unfortunately what I can’t do is austerity. It gives me diarrhea.”

The moves comes a day after prime minister David Cameron warned that Britain was somehow going to get worse.

He said: “Some say it’s impossible to find something in Britain that still works, but I pledge to find that thing and then batter the holy living shit out of it with a spade.”

The government also confirmed it is to copy Canada’s deficit cutting methods, which involved playing Bryan Adams CDs very loudly outside the homes and offices of their creditors until they either cancelled the debt or killed themselves.


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Fat Boys To Be Sent On Outward Bound Porn Hunt

TEENAGE boys are increasingly overweight because they no longer need to go outside to find explicit pornography, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies said the availability of free online images means youngsters are not getting fresh air and exercise from scouring hedgerows and ditches for anything containing a picture of a snatch.

Researchers claim the only way to combat teenage obesity is to turn off the internet and disseminate adult material in remote
outdoor locations.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “As a boy I walked across several counties to view a tattered copy of H&E that someone had stashed in a dry stone wall. It took three days and I had to use a compass.

“Under my plan the material would be located at the top of a steep hill, the bottom of a ravine or at the end of a woodland assault course with rope slides and tyres.”

He added: “If they’re on an overnight snatch-hunt they will have to learn how to pitch a tent, start a campfire and fashion a makeshift tube sock out of a dock leaf. It’ll be like the Duke of Edinburgh Award, but with loads of tits and fannies.”

A spokesman for the Scouting Association said: “Anything which gets teenage boys into the fresh air is to be welcomed, though I suspect the biscuit game would be over within seconds.”

Tom Logan, father of 14 year-old Jamie, said: “At his age I was always outdoors, looking for inexplicably-discarded copies of Knave, Razzle or the lesser-known but equally stimulating Raider. It was exhausting but great exercise, and so rewarding when you finally found a half-shredded coverless mulch bearing a vaguely discernible picture of a chubby woman’s vagina.

“I particularly liked the stories, perhaps because they always featured the under-used word ‘cupping’.”

But mother of three, Nikki Hollis, said: “I don’t worry about my boys looking at dirty pictures, because the websites have that clever feature where you have to click a button on the homepage to confirm you are 18.

“My children are not 18, and are therefore unable to do that.”