Out Of Date iPhone Users Forced To Sit At Back Of Bus

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.

New rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.

The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted.

Meanwhile, as the police warned they would not hestitate to use dogs and fire hoses to quell unrest, across Soho, bars and restaurants have placed signs in their windows stating ‘version fours only’ and ‘no iPhone 3GS, no Irish’.

Wayne Hayes, founder of the exclusive private members’ club, Prick House, said: “I just don’t think that old and new iPhone owners should mix. It’s not natural. They should have their own places.

“And I don’t care what anyone says, they just don’t have the same range of functions as we do.”

But Julian Cook, manager of Ponce, the popular Dean Street wine bar, said: “We’re not banning them completely. We’ve marked out a special area in the corner where they can all sit together and be served poor quality food.

“Perhaps when they see the new version owners laughing and being 24% thinner, it might encourage them to start acting like civilised human beings.”

Experts say drug abuse and criminality are higher among out of date iPhone users, though there is debate over whether this is caused by old iPhone ownership or whether it is simply genetic.

Helen Archer, who has two cameras and can support high definition video, said: “I just can’t have them around me. I don’t feel safe. And they have a pungent odour.”

But Stephen Malley, an outreach worker from Finsbury Park, said: “I spend a lot of my time working with people who have the 3GS and have forged some lasting friendships.”

He added: “They’re such wonderful dancers and they can run like the wind.”


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Diana In Heaven

So Dodi finally got that restraining order dropped that he’d taken out against me with The Big Man. Then, better still, he turns up out of the blue at my gaff with Henri Paul, the engine revving and wanting to know if I fancied going for a spin. Fuck, yeah!

That was as good as it got. I thought we’d be going all pissed-up Mario Kart again but once they’d dropped the Merc off and swapped it for a VW camper van that they’s borrowed off Gandhi, I knew it was all about to go tits up.

I ended up on a weekend of khaki-clad camping and butterfly spotting. As usual, Henri was drinking hard but he managed to stay conscious most of the time and only fell and smashed his head off a rock twice. Meanwhile, Dodi insisted we all painted our faces then he tried to teach me how to use a pair of fucking stilts.

I slept in the camper van while the pair of them stayed up until 3am, sitting outside their tent singing hippie drivel about moonbeams and hugging the fucking wind. Wankers.

There’s this new bloke up here that I’ve got the hots for and I think he likes me too. It’s Gary Coleman – the little fella from Diff’rent Strokes. There’s definitely a spark between us – you know when you can just tell?

When he first arrived he strutted up to me and shouted ‘Whatchoo talkin’ bout Princess’, then lifted up my skirt to have a look. I like my men to be bold. Well, bold or future monarchs, I’m not that fussed. Watch this space – Heaven’s about to get a new power couple.

Thought we’d be in for some fireworks when Dennis Hopper turned up the other day – you know, renowned hellraiser and all that. Total fucking disappointment. After he’d been deloused and given his starter pack, all Hopper wanted to do was catch up with his old mate James Dean.

As you might know, Dean is easily the most boring twat up here, scuttling around in his little pedal car, issuing health and safety warnings to anyone who he thinks might be endangering themselves and others. It’s all ‘please take care’ this and ‘don’t end up like me’ that.

Looks like Hopper’s been taken in by it all. Last time I saw them, they’d collared Charles Hawtrey and were chastising the old bastard for throwing his false leg at a bird of paradise.

Follow the People’s Princess at www.twitter.com/dianainheaven