SOME films have soundtracks that add to their brilliance, while some are made worse by having shit theme songs. Like these:
Wild, Wild West – Will Smith
Watching this strangely terrifying steampunk comedy western is painful enough, but during the end credits Smith performs a rap that summarises the nonsense you just sat through. The only good part is the sample of Stevie Wonder’s I Wish, but just listen to that instead of having nightmares about Kenneth Branagh chopped in half in a steam-powered wheelchair.
Die Another Day – Madonna
From Lulu’s The Man With The Golden Gun (‘He’s got a powerful weapon/ He charges a million a shot’) to Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Another Way To Die from A Quantum of Solace, there have been some truly terrible James Bond songs. However Madonna’s Die Another Day tops them all. It’s basically a half-arsed, phoned-in version of her hit Music, which perhaps makes it entirely appropriate for the similarly crap film it was soundtracking.
Addams Family Groove – MC Hammer
The Addams Family is a cracking film, and could have used the excellent theme song from the original 60s TV show exactly as it is. Unfortunately they decided to update it by getting old parachute pants himself, MC Hammer, to perform an annoying and repetitive rap that makes you feel like your brain is being gradually chipped away at with a blunt chisel.
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – U2
Batman Forever was a middling instalment in the endless Batman franchise and U2 only added to the overall feeling of averageness with this generic rock track. The best bit about it was the video, which featured cartoon versions of the band and meant nobody had to look at Bono’s gurning real-life face. Still, the whole thing looks like Goodfellas in comparison to Batman & Robin, which introduced a grateful world to Bat-nipples.
Spies Like Us – Paul McCartney
How is possible that the same man who wrote Blackbird also produced this boring, plodding excuse for a song? It’s even worse than the reggae break he shoehorned into Live And Let Die, and that’s saying something. The film only has a 32 per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes which, given it’s a John Landis film starring Chevy Chase and Dan Ackroyd, must mean McCartney is to blame. Or cocaine. One or the other.