If only there were a Tina Turner song we could use as a tribute headline

YESTERDAY the world lost the iconic performer Tina Turner. But, tragically, she has left no song whose title can be used as a headline in tribute to her.

Despite a career lasting decades, both with her abusive husband Ike and as a solo performer, Tina recorded no tracks with titles that effortlessly encapsulate her stellar career.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? Confusing. Private Dancer? You have to know the song really. We Don’t Need Another Hero? Not really appropriate in the circumstances.

Even going back to her hits of the 1960s, Nutbush City Limits is a fantastic track but meaningless slapped across the front page of a national newspaper. Steamy Windows? Goldeneye? Proud Mary? None really says what the public feels.

So we are forced to bid farewell to a musical colossus with headlines like ‘Tina was the greatest’ and ’Goodbye to the Queen of rock‘n’roll’, which, while sincere and heartfelt, do not sum her up in a neat three words.

No, for all her achievements, having a worldwide hit signature song that provides a pithy and fitting capstone for her career was something with which Tina Turner, 1939-2023, was simply not blessed.

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Six TikTok genres that should f**k off and die

TIKTOK prankster Mizzy has been in court for confusing ‘hilarious stunts’ with ‘threatening people’. But he’s not the only TikToker who deserves prosecution. You may be aware of these genres.

TikTok challenges 

The Ice Bucket Challenge raised lots of money for charity and is very funny if you have the IQ of a cardboard box. But what about the Blackout Challenge (hold your breath until you pass out)? Or the Slap a Teacher Challenge (unprovoked assault on a teacher)? Or the Shoot Up Your School Challenge (mass shooting hoaxes)? 

There’s only one way TikTok challenges are going, and it’s into an abyss of stupidity. Is there anyone who’s up for the Castrating Yourself with a Lawnmower Challenge? Of course there is.

Pranks without any discernible humour

A prank usually involves some element of fun. Mizzy disagrees and basically threatens people by invading their homes with a bunch of mates, or aggressively hassles them in the street saying ‘D’you want to die?’. After the hapless victim has run off thinking they’re about to be stabbed, only then does he produce a packet of hair dye. Oh our poor sides. In fairness Mizzy didn’t invent the genre, but he does deserve some of his own medicine, maybe being run over by a bus? Okay, it’s technically not a ‘prank’, but then neither are his. 

Carnivore recipes

Not to be confused with macho twats who merely think eating steak is dead hard. These people go to huge lengths to not eat any plant products – for example, baking a burger bun that’s minced chicken instead of dough. The sad thing is they might convert others to their insane diet, but since their average meal is deep-fried beef wrapped in bacon topped with eight pieces of processed cheese, this may well be a problem that fixes itself.

Ghost crap 

What’s impressive is that the quality of evidence on TikTok is somehow even worse than the rest of the internet. Take your pick of clichéd hoaxes like objects moving due to the mysterious paranormal force known as ‘fishing line’. 

But what TikTok really brings to the party is endless talking heads going: ‘My cousin’s unnamed friend said someone in an unspecified place saw a shape one night which disappeared.’ Woah, try and debunk that, skeptics! Life after death had better exist, because you’ve just wasted 20 minutes of yours on this subnormal shite.


Got some content that’s crap even by TikTok standards? Turn it into ‘sludge’ by adding another unconnected video people can’t help glancing at. For example, increase views for your pyramid scam by pairing it with footage of a speeded-up 3D printer making a baby Groot, or someone playing Halo multiplayer, or both. If visual ‘entertainment’ sinks any lower we may as well just make videos of ourselves holding up our turds for the camera. Oh. People are probably already doing that, aren’t they?

Rambling, incoherent morons

The world desperately needed a video platform without the impossibly high editorial standards of YouTube. Luckily TikTok has democratised broadcasting for every f**kwit with a phone. Millions of them, incontinently blabbering in every conceivable situation – outlining their Tupac conspiracy theory in a surgical gown waiting for biopsy results; screaming about the patriarchy not accepting their morbid obesity while driving a car; mumbling about white supremacy while eating a McDonald’s in a public toilet.

It has to stop, so just tell them it’s Official Murder A TikToker (Including Yourself) Week. It’s not like they’ll turn around and say: ‘I don’t believe you. That’s stupid.’