How to easily spot the wrong answers on your online workplace diversity course

GOT an inbox full of mandatory diversity training courses you’re putting off doing? Practise finding the insultingly obvious correct answers with our quiz.

Adnan has just joined the company as a trainee. Several colleagues have made derogatory comments about his ethnicity they consider to be harmless ‘jokes’. Do you:

A) Make them aware that what they are saying is offensive. If they persist, inform your line manager or HR department. Even if intended in jest, racism is a serious matter.

B) You what? You can’t have too many jokes about curry, funny accents and Osama Bin Laden. If Adnan won’t embrace the great British tradition of laughing at yourself but more commonly minorities, there’s plenty of other countries he can move to.

You’re in the kitchen with Charlotte, who is wearing a fairly short skirt, and Mike. You notice him surreptitiously taking a picture of her posterior when she is not looking. Do you:

A) Report him immediately. Not only is it an extremely serious invasion of privacy, it probably constitutes harassment, a criminal offence. Neither are acceptable in the modern workplace.

B) Keep schtum and ask him to send you the picture later. If Charlotte doesn’t want men to take photos of her gorgeous arse, perhaps she shouldn’t be dressing like a whore?

You are interviewing Sarah for a promotion to accounts manager. She has recently returned from her honeymoon and is the standout candidate. Should you:

A) Offer Sarah the position. She has been a valued employee for five years now and is ready for this challenging new role.

B) Give the position to a man and tell her it’s only a matter of time before she gets herself up the duff and f**ks off on maternity leave, plus she’s the wrong side of 30, so she’ll want a baby before she turns barren. Be sure to end the conversation with some creepy, intrusive comments about her and her husband’s sex life.

Tim has just joined the company. He identifies as gender-neutral and wishes to be referred to as ‘they/them’. Do you:

A) Respect his wishes. You should be sensitive to people’s gender identity preferences and besides, it has no bearing on his ability to do the job.

B) It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam becomes Madam and Eve turns into Steve. You shouldn’t encourage ‘them’. It’s only a matter of time before Tim demands to self-identify as a helicopter, ha ha ha. Explain that if he doesn’t know what sex he is, he should have a good look in his pants. Say this in a meeting. It’s for his own good in the long term.

Several of you have gone to the pub at lunchtime, apart from Moeen, who is Muslim. Several colleagues begin making offensive comments about his beliefs. Do you:

A) Tell them what they are saying is wrong and they must stop immediately. Racism is racism, regardless of whether the victim is present.

B) Join in. He’s never going to know because he’s not there, so it’s his own fault for having weird beliefs. What else does he believe? The Teletubbies are real? You might ask him in front of everyone in the office – it’ll be really funny.

All As. You fully understand the importance of diversity and inclusivity in the workplace. You’ve passed with flying colours, although failing this incredibly easy test would make an amoeba better qualified than you.

All Bs. Fail. You’re a gammon bastard who belongs in an episode of Love Thy Neighbour, not the modern workplace. It’s only a matter of time before you get sacked for some offensive comment, but given the easiness of the test it’s amazing you know how to work a Post-it note.

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Read spoilers, discuss endlessly, watch an episode: The mad way we watch TV now

IN the olden days you’d do this freaky thing of just watching a TV programme you were interested in. Now you do all of this before even thinking about turning the telly on.

Scour the internet for information

The new series isn’t out for a year, but that doesn’t stop you from scouring the internet for every morsel of information you can, including boring industry press releases about the casting of minor roles. Before the internet you’d just see it in the Radio Times and be pleasantly surprised, rather than wasting hours of your one precious life pursuing tiny details about fictional people.

Read spoilers

When Den gave Angie divorce papers in the Christmas Day episode of Eastenders in 1986, the nation was as blindsided and upset as she was. Nowadays, you’d have known about it three months in advance and would have already shared a meme of her shocked face several hundred times.

Discuss on social media

Don’t let the fact you haven’t seen the episode yet stop you from discussing it in granular detail, with most of your information based on a Reddit post written by someone claiming to be an extra in the series. It turns out they were lying, but it helped you waste an entire afternoon at work, so who gives a shit?

Listen to three separate podcasts

Your partner wants to sit down and watch the episode with you but you haven’t managed that yet, so instead you listen to three different podcasts discussing it on your commute to work. If you weren’t already spoiled by the spoilers, you have now totally removed the last vestiges of mystery that were remaining around the plot and themes.

Watch the show

It’s finally time to enjoy your favourite show and guess what? You’re bored shitless because you know exactly what is going to happen in every scene. Instead of watching, you spend the whole time on your phone reading a recap for another show you like but haven’t seen yet. You’re so glad to be living in the golden age of television.