You love looking at boobs and buying lightbulbs: Everything the internet algorithm knows about you

PARANOID about what internet algorithms know about you? You should be. Based on your bizarre online activities, they have deduced the following:

You love looking at boobs and buying light bulbs

In quick succession, weirdly enough. One minute you’re scrolling through social media and pausing when a pair of jugs pops up, the next you’re researching which light bulb is most energy efficient and compatible with your fittings. The algorithm thinks this is some weird fetish and is desperately scrambling to find you relevant boob/light bulb-related content.

Your circadian rhythm is absolutely f**ked

Your browser history reveals that after one of the same five ready meals you turn in at 10.30pm and have a little late night scroll for four hours. And thanks to the data it pulls from your health app, the algorithm can tell you’ve been doing this every day for the last eight years. No wonder you’re always sluggish and have a volatile personality. Don’t worry, it’ll only take years for your sleep pattern to return to normal.

You will never run that marathon

According to your App Store history, you’ve downloaded Couch To 5K three dozen times before giving up and deleting it by the second week. No matter how many times you Google marathons in your area, you’re kidding no one; you will never have the necessary fitness and stamina to jog 42 kilometres. That won’t stop the algorithm shoving running shoe ads in your face every five seconds though.

Which Disney character you’re most like and how poor you are

Princess Jasmine, apparently, although it took you dozens of attempts at a quiz to get the result you wanted. And there’s nothing in Aladdin which suggests she frequently bumps along the bottom of her overdraft like you do, or orders takeaways four nights a week. Protest all you want but that’s what your banking app is saying. The numbers don’t lie.

You are unhealthily fixated on your ex

No? Then why do you end up on their social media profiles in the dead of night? Do you roll over in your sleep, accidentally search for their name while unconscious, then proceed to involuntarily scroll all the way back to the photos of when you were together? You might be able to kid yourself into believing that, but the algorithm knows the truth. And as you nurse a broken heart, will try to sell you B&Q gazebo.

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The scandal-and-reproduction cycle of Boris and Carrie Johnson

THE Johnsons, those fascinating creatures native to these isles, have once again engendered a simultaneous pregnancy and political scandal in order to reproduce. Here’s how it works:

To begin the cycle, the male Johnson effortlessly wriggles out of trouble suffering only reputational damage and, elated, seeks out the nearest available mate.

The female Johnson stays close to her partner at this moment, knowing that if she is unavailable any Tatler journalist called Persephone will do. The pair couple to the sound of Abba.

Conception having been achieved, the male Johnson drifts away. It is not long before he feels the primal urge to get away with something that others cannot because he is special.

The male Johnson will then test ethical boundaries by taking advantage of generous hospitality from Tory donors or forcing taxpayers to pay for his legal defence before enjoying a cycle of rest.

As the Johnson female’s pregnancy approaches fruition, habit leaves her unable to begin labour except as a defensive reflex against adverse headlines. Thankfully, with the Johnson male scandal is never far away.

A minor transgression such as keeping a groper in office or a hitherto undiscovered series of lockdown parties will soon see the Johnson male facing serious censure.

The correct conditions have been created and a new Johnson baby will be born, taking the brood ever closer to double figures.

The male Johnson will then wriggle out of trouble with his political career barely intact, and the whole magical cycle begins all over again.