PARANOID about what internet algorithms know about you? You should be. Based on your bizarre online activities, they have deduced the following:
You love looking at boobs and buying light bulbs
In quick succession, weirdly enough. One minute you’re scrolling through social media and pausing when a pair of jugs pops up, the next you’re researching which light bulb is most energy efficient and compatible with your fittings. The algorithm thinks this is some weird fetish and is desperately scrambling to find you relevant boob/light bulb-related content.
Your circadian rhythm is absolutely f**ked
Your browser history reveals that after one of the same five ready meals you turn in at 10.30pm and have a little late night scroll for four hours. And thanks to the data it pulls from your health app, the algorithm can tell you’ve been doing this every day for the last eight years. No wonder you’re always sluggish and have a volatile personality. Don’t worry, it’ll only take years for your sleep pattern to return to normal.
You will never run that marathon
According to your App Store history, you’ve downloaded Couch To 5K three dozen times before giving up and deleting it by the second week. No matter how many times you Google marathons in your area, you’re kidding no one; you will never have the necessary fitness and stamina to jog 42 kilometres. That won’t stop the algorithm shoving running shoe ads in your face every five seconds though.
Which Disney character you’re most like and how poor you are
Princess Jasmine, apparently, although it took you dozens of attempts at a quiz to get the result you wanted. And there’s nothing in Aladdin which suggests she frequently bumps along the bottom of her overdraft like you do, or orders takeaways four nights a week. Protest all you want but that’s what your banking app is saying. The numbers don’t lie.
You are unhealthily fixated on your ex
No? Then why do you end up on their social media profiles in the dead of night? Do you roll over in your sleep, accidentally search for their name while unconscious, then proceed to involuntarily scroll all the way back to the photos of when you were together? You might be able to kid yourself into believing that, but the algorithm knows the truth. And as you nurse a broken heart, will try to sell you B&Q gazebo.