Getting the crowd to sing the chorus, and other ways bands ruin their own gigs

YOU went to a gig to see the band perform the songs, not point the mic at the pissed-up, tuneless audience. Here are other ways they ruin their own gigs:

Turning up late

You spent two hours travelling to this gig, so the least this entitled twat of a pop star could do is not turn up on stage two hours late. He might be staying at a luxury hotel five minutes from the venue, but you have to get the train home, and his furious partner won’t have to come and pick him up from the Birmingham NEC at 2am.

Getting the crowd to sing the chorus

You don’t want to listen to 50,000 drunk people sing the choruses of all your favourite songs, so you wish the singer would stop pointing the sodding microphone at them every two minutes. Even worse is when they split the crowd down the middle and make each side compete on who can sing it the loudest. This is classic rock, not primary school.

Playing the whole of their new album

Yeah, their new stuff is fine, but you want to hear tracks from their two best albums which were released in the mid-90s. You don’t give a toss if they’re bored of that and have decided to stretch themselves creatively, you just want to listen to the song you lost your virginity to and have a self-indulgent, nostalgic weep.

Talking too much or too little

If they talk too much you’ll think they’re an insufferable bore treating the stage like a pulpit, but if they talk too little you’ll think they’re a moody bastard with no interest in their fans. They can’t win, but they don’t really care as they’ve fleeced you for £30 for a t-shirt.

Playing weird arrangements of your favourite songs

What’s worse than not playing their biggest hits is when they play them but they’ve changed the arrangements so they’re virtually unrecognisable. No, you don’t want to hear your favourite tune played in a minor key, or with a cod-reggae groove. You’d have enjoyed listening to the CD more, but you can’t admit that to yourself as you’ve paid £120 to be here.

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Awful woman genuinely believes everyone is just jealous

AN objectively terrible woman believes that people’s entirely natural hatred of her is due to jealousy. 

Supercilious cow Lauren Hewitt wrongly believes her unpopularity is caused by envy of her good looks, career success, beautiful home and active love life, although she does frequently remind everyone of these.

Hewitt said: “It’s my fault for being far too kind and spending time with these runtish losers. It’s only natural that they become jealous and lash out.

“I could easily ignore them, but actually I’m very sympathetic. I often put on a touchingly sad face and say things like: ‘You stick with that diet, Kate, someone will find you attractive eventually.’

“I admire their resilience, limping by on as little as £25,000 a year and with some very unfortunate teeth. Those are the exact words I used to Carl this morning. I know he’s very self-conscious about it. 

“Lisa became irrationally jealous of me after I slept with a guy she’d fancied for ages and who would have been perfect for her. It really brought out her insecurities, so I tried to help by suggesting she visit a psychiatrist, but that just seemed to make her angrier. 

“As I said to her – envy is very ugly and so are you in anything sleeveless.”