WOODBURNING stoves cause asthma and particulate emissions, but what else are they getting up to while you’re not looking, ruining your perfect middle-class life?
Non-delivery of your Sunday Times
The woodburner intercepted your paper at 7am, happily lit itself a little fire with the Culture section, then burned it all up. It then sits there smugly while you call the newsagent furious you missed the tributes to Martin Amis.
The cost of eggs
Chickens have a strong sense of interior design and believe a woodburner would fit beautifully in the west corner of the coop, but you’ve got one and they haven’t. Depressed that their interior design dreams are unrealised, they’ve ceased to lay.
The shower takes ages to heat up
The woodburner is a bad influence on other appliances, indulged because it looks nice while doing f**k all. Morale amongst your other white goods is at an all-time low. The vacuum cleaner refuses to suck and the lawnmowers half-heartedly chews grass.
Poor choice of Farrow & Ball for the utility room
Woodburners make you cosy and firelighty and liable to order the wrong shade of paint of Farrow & Ball. Rectory Red is no Bamboozle, and now your reading room is ruined.
Succession spoilers
Your woodburner is likely to blurt out the reveal before the finale because its prime location between you and the TV, and what experts describe as an ‘attention-seeking persona’, means they’ve have spoiled everything from Happy Valley to Severance.
Being unable to afford anywhere in Cornwall this summer
The presence of a woodburner, so solid and manly, inhibits your wifi to only show you expensive holiday options in a desperate attempt to impress. Your woodburner doesn’t understand why you have to leave it cold. Stay, it says.
Children underperforming at school
They may only be five and seven, but really they should have reading ages of around 12-14 by now. It’s the woodburner, whispering in their ears that academia isn’t everything and maybe they could make a living chopping logs.
Drinking every evening
How are you expected to get through an evening alcohol-free when the woodburner’s staring at you, challenging you, daring you to voice disapproval of its malevolent presence? And even if you sit outside the pizza oven’s just as evil.
