Eight middle-class problems that are all the fault of their wood-burning stoves

WOODBURNING stoves cause asthma and particulate emissions, but what else are they getting up to while you’re not looking, ruining your perfect middle-class life? 

Non-delivery of your Sunday Times

The woodburner intercepted your paper at 7am, happily lit itself a little fire with the Culture section, then burned it all up. It then sits there smugly while you call the newsagent furious you missed the tributes to Martin Amis.

The cost of eggs

Chickens have a strong sense of interior design and believe a woodburner would fit beautifully in the west corner of the coop, but you’ve got one and they haven’t. Depressed that their interior design dreams are unrealised, they’ve ceased to lay.

The shower takes ages to heat up

The woodburner is a bad influence on other appliances, indulged because it looks nice while doing f**k all. Morale amongst your other white goods is at an all-time low. The vacuum cleaner refuses to suck and the lawnmowers half-heartedly chews grass.

Poor choice of Farrow & Ball for the utility room

Woodburners make you cosy and firelighty and liable to order the wrong shade of paint of Farrow & Ball. Rectory Red is no Bamboozle, and now your reading room is ruined.

Succession spoilers

Your woodburner is likely to blurt out the reveal before the finale because its prime location between you and the TV, and what experts describe as an ‘attention-seeking persona’, means they’ve have spoiled everything from Happy Valley to Severance. 

Being unable to afford anywhere in Cornwall this summer

The presence of a woodburner, so solid and manly, inhibits your wifi to only show you expensive holiday options in a desperate attempt to impress. Your woodburner doesn’t understand why you have to leave it cold. Stay, it says.

Children underperforming at school

They may only be five and seven, but really they should have reading ages of around 12-14 by now. It’s the woodburner, whispering in their ears that academia isn’t everything and maybe they could make a living chopping logs.

Drinking every evening

How are you expected to get through an evening alcohol-free when the woodburner’s staring at you, challenging you, daring you to voice disapproval of its malevolent presence? And even if you sit outside the pizza oven’s just as evil.

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Everything on man's bucket list sex-related

ALL of the hopes and ambitions on a 29-year-old man’s bucket list are debauched sexual acts, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley of Colchester has no desire to tick off popular activities like parachuting or swimming with dolphins, instead aiming for a threesome and sex with a Swedish girl.

He said: “You only live once and I’m getting on a bit. If I want to get it on with a MILF while I’m still young enough to savour the contrast, I need to act now.

“When I was a teenager, reading about all the weird shit and crazy positions in Men’s Health, I assumed they’d just happen naturally. Not so, and it’s not like all that’s just made-up to fill magazines, so I’m putting the effort in.

“The bucket list runs to a couple of pages and includes everything from twins to my girlfriend’s best friend. I’m a pervert but come on, it beats shit like looking at the Grand Canyon. It’s a big ditch, get over it.

“I’m happy to incorporate normal bucket list stuff. See the Aurora Borealis while getting deep-throat. Reverse cowgirl at Machu Picchu. Visit the Great Wall of China and have sex on it.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen’s bucket list makes for fascinating reading. I’ve looked over it multiple times and not once does it mention ‘make a woman come.’”