Woman's ideal film basically a rom-com with hardcore scenes

A WOMAN has admitted that what she really wants from a movie is a sweet, touching romantic comedy with hardcore sex scenes.

Jo Kramer finds ordinary porn unsatisfying because she has no emotional connection to the performers, but finds rom-coms frustrating because they never include 20 minutes of unrestrained shafting.

She said: “I can’t be the only one, surely? Who likes a good, relatable love story and also likes to see the couple f**king like there’s no tomorrow?

“Take The Notebook. I loved the romance, but felt the film lost its way when it didn’t show Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams really going at it in the moonlight by that abandoned house. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, oral, the absolute lot.

“Or Bridget Jones’s Diary, which for me was begging for a scene where Hugh Grant gives the dirty bitch the pounding she deserves. Contrasted with a tender, romantic scene at the end where Colin Firth bangs her like a shithouse door in a gale.

“Instead I’m left frustrated and turn to Pornhub, where a couple with no romantic backstory whatsoever get it on and I’m frankly indifferent.

“Come on, Hollywood. Harry Styles. Anya Taylor-Joy. They meet, they fall in love, they f**k in a hot tub on a Brooklyn rooftop and we see every thrust close up in slo-mo. You can have that for free, and you’re welcome.”

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2022 all downhill from here

2022 has passed its joyful halfway point and only gets worse from now on, everyone has realised.

The end of June means the year gets darker and colder, coupled with spiralling inflation, huge energy price rises, unaffordable petrol and a poorhouse Christmas.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Hope you enjoyed the good times, because they’re over. From now on every meal’s a shit sandwich.

“Whether you’re at home with post-Glasto Covid, dreading a foreign holiday that’ll involve 48-hour waits in airport at both ends, or simply watching your income and quality of life drop through the f**king floor, get ready. Things can only get worse.

“Our models show Boris Johnson hanging on though, with his majority reduced by another 12 or so as Tory MPs are charged with sex offences, and doing arse-all to help anyone.

“America will get worse, Russia will continue advancing, climate change will intensify, there’ll be nothing good on telly and your partner will be in such a foul mood there’s no chance of a shag. Suck it up, Britain. 2023 will be even worse.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchen said: “I have had two nights out in the pub and a family party this year, so I suppose I’ve been greedy. Bring on the misery!”