YOUNG alternative comedians are too scared to write third-rate musicals with Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton said last night.
The creator of the Young Ones lashed out at today's performers, saying they had too much self-respect and were too worried about turning into ghastly, mediocre sell-outs who would do anything for money.
Elton said: "They're too scared to abandon any shred of credibility they may have had and churn out an absolute piece of shit with the man responsible for Aspects of Love.
"They're too scared to write a series of trite novels about big, important subjects. They're too scared to admit they haven't written anything remotely funny since the Dictionary episode of Blackadder the Third.
"They're too scared to admit that Blackadder Goes Forth was just the same old jokes over and over again, and that the final scene was eye-gougingly awful and not in the least bit poignant.
"And they're too scared to write a pitiful sitcom about the police, which the BBC would have flushed down the fucking toilet if it didn't have my name on it and Rowan Atkinson didn't need a new Aston Martin.
"But most of all they're too scared to ponce about the place like some pseudo-intellectual cock saying 'profound' things about muslims."
He added: "Remember that thing I used to do about getting a double seat on the train?"