Young Comics 'Too Scared' To Work With Andrew Lloyd Webber, Says Ben Elton

YOUNG alternative comedians are too scared to write third-rate musicals with Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton said last night.

The creator of the Young Ones lashed out at today's performers, saying they had too much self-respect and were too worried about turning into ghastly, mediocre sell-outs who would do anything for money.

Elton said: "They're too scared to abandon any shred of credibility they may have had and churn out an absolute piece of shit with the man responsible for Aspects of Love.

"They're too scared to write a series of trite novels about big, important subjects. They're too scared to admit they haven't written anything remotely funny since the Dictionary episode of Blackadder the Third.

"They're too scared to admit that Blackadder Goes Forth was just the same old jokes over and over again, and that the final scene was eye-gougingly awful and not in the least bit poignant.

"And they're too scared to write a pitiful sitcom about the police, which the BBC would have flushed down the fucking toilet if it didn't have my name on it and Rowan Atkinson didn't need a new Aston Martin.

"But most of all they're too scared to ponce about the place like some pseudo-intellectual cock saying 'profound' things about muslims."

He added: "Remember that thing I used to do about getting a double seat on the train?"

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Ireland Begins Search For New Chief Leprechaun

IRELAND'S leprechaun catchers were grabbing their nets and pulling on their boots last night as the country began it's search for a new leader.

Bertie Ahern, chief leprechaun since 1997, announced he would be standing down to spend more time at the end of his favourite rainbow in County Meath.

Leading leprechaun catcher, Sheamus O'Flaherty, said the new leader must have a 'bee-ootiful' singing voice and special magic dust that makes the dew sparkle and dance on a sunny Spring morning.

O'Flaherty added: "I'll be lookin' under toadstools and inside old tree stumps, so I will. Then I'll clap my hands together and do a little jig.

"And if he's too shy to come out and say hello, I'll leave him a little bit of boiled beef. Oh, they can't resist it!"

Mickey O'Reardon, a leprechaun hunter in the County of Cork, said: "There's a special cupboard at the back of O'Reilly's pub in the town of Skibereeen where, if you whistle a jaunty tune on a moonlit night in May, the little people come out and loan ye a bit o' their magic.

"But use it wisely mind. They won't forgive you if you waste it on horses and stout and such like."

O'Reardon added: "Of course, the thing ye have to remember most of all when huntin' for a new chief leprechaun is that they love bribes. Great, big, fat bribes."