Young douchebags hail Calvin Harris as role model

SUPERSTAR DJ Calvin Harris is the number one role model for young aspiring douchebags, it has emerged.

18-year-old douche-in-training Tom Booker said: “I like his awesome muscular body, his famousness and his highly commercial, careerist approach to art.

“It really speaks to me. Also Taylor Swift is so hot, I can imagine taking her to the launch event for a male fragrance.”

Junior douche Julian Cook agreed: “I like the videos for his songs, where underwear-clad young women with semi-comatose expressions writhe around in expensive locations. The music is good too – loud bit, quiet bit, loud bit.

“I like to watch them on the big telly screen in the gym, when I am doing exercises on my chest and making lists of all the supercars I want to own by the time I am 30.”

He added: “I have been described as a ‘douchebag’, and I actually like that word because it sounds American – America is where the big money is.

“Sometime soon all men will be like me, that’s just how the world is going and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

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Failure with opposite sex re-branded as celibacy

A 36-YEAR-OLD man has decided that his inability to find a sexual partner is actually a spiritual decision to remain celibate.

Carpet fitter Tom Logan has not had sexual intercourse since 2008, despite a series of failed dates.

However he has now decided that he is in a period of being deliberately non-sexual for reasons of personal growth.

He said: “I didn’t even realise I was celibate, but now it seems so obvious.

“On a superficial level I was quite keen to have sex, even becoming quite obsessed with certain women and spending entire evenings looking at their holiday pictures on Instagram.

“But deeper in my subconscious I had decided that celibacy was the right path for me. I had to learn to love myself as a non-sexual being, like Russell Brand or a Tibetan monk.

“I’ll probably remain celibate for the time being. It’s really good.”

He added: “I recently had a moment of weakness where I asked out Suzanne from accounts, but funnily enough she is celibate too.”