Everyone has a relative who 'can get you any car'

ALL Britons have a male relative who can get them any second-hand car, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that all families include at least one ‘car-getter’, who is usually called ‘Uncle Steve’ or ‘Roy’s cousin Pete’.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I got my last car off my dad’s cousin, who pops up bi-annually at family barbecues and always mentions that he can get you any car you like, right down to choosing the year and the colour.

“It’s not clear where the cars come from, it’s some sort of auction. I’m fairly sure it’s legitimate, or at least semi-legitimate.”

Post office work Mary Fisher said: “Come to think of it, we always get our used cars off Roy’s cousin Pete.

“Every two years he just turns up at the door with a blue hatchback and asks if we want to buy it, but says it’s no problem if we don’t. He never specifically asks for payment in cash but it is an unspoken rule.

“I like him.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Car-getters are not exactly dodgy, just odd. They always claim not to make a profit on their car transactions.

“Really we know very little about the car-getter and his spiritual connection with used vehicle. Maybe car-getters were abandoned as babies then raised in a forest by a family of wild Fiat Unos.”

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Amazon uses robot to neutralise inefficient workers

INTERNET retail giant Amazon employs a robot called Goliath that terminates non-productive workers, it has emerged.

A worker’s desperately-scrawled note in an order of Jamie Oliver cookery books described conditions in the Amazon warehouse, where the deadly robot is a constant lurking threat.

It read: “The depot has a grid-like layout, kind of like a Pacman maze but bigger that Newcastle. There is no natural light and once you’ve signed up you can never leave.

“Our job is to frantically pick books and throw them down a ‘despatch chute’. If we go too slowly the strange metal helmets we are forced to wear will electrocute us.

“Worst of all though is Goliath, the 12-foot tall robot who silently glides up and down the aisles. Even the slightest pause for breath triggers its extermination response.

“Goliath then asks for your nine-digit operative number, before opening fire with its arm-cannons.

“Nobody even looks up.”

An Amazon spokesman said: “We provide a positive and nurturing staff environment. It’s standard practise to have a robot guardian ruling without mercy.

“You get to read as many books as you want during break times.”